Happy (Re)birthday to Me!

Today is February 8th.

It was exactly one year ago today that I cleared out my pantry, had an earth-shattering date with a scale, bought a pair of running shoes, and took off on the craziest, most challenging, most rewarding journey of my life.

365 days ago, I weighed 279 pounds and wore a size 26 pants/2XL shirts.  My diet consisted of the four major food groups: cheese, sugar, vodka, and Sheetz MTO.  My idea of exercise was taking the dogs for a walk, and I avoided even that as often as possible.  The only lifting I'd ever done involved wine glasses... I had the lift-lower-repeat motion down to an art.  Running?  Not unless someone was chasing me with a chainsaw.  My BMI and cholesterol were through the roof, but my self-esteem was beyond low.  My life had essentially stalled out on a deserted highway in the middle of nowhere... I was stagnant, with no direction and no ambition, stuck between a past I couldn't get back and a future that terrified the crap out of me.  No matter how hard I tried to tell myself that I was content with mediocrity, I couldn't ignore the cold hard truth: I was unhealthy, unhappy, scared, and completely lost.

Me at my heaviest, January 2012

Fast forward to today.  I weigh 160 pounds and wear size 8 pants/medium shirts.  I obsessively follow a clean, borderline-Paleo diet.  I exercise pretty much every day, sometimes two or three times a day.  I have a 250lb dead lift and a 205lb back squat.  I'm training for a half marathon and a Tough Mudder.  I feel the best I've ever felt, both mentally and physically.  I'm happy, healthy, and I know who I am now.  And I'm not so scared anymore.  In fact, I feel like I could take on the world right now and come out on top.

Down 80lbs, September 2012

Down 100lbs, December 2012

And today.  February 8th, 2013.  Down 119 and counting.

It's amazing what a year can do.

This has been an incredibly emotional day for me, as I think back on the past year.  I think the magnitude of everything that's happened this year is finally really sinking in, and I wish there were words for how I'm feeling right now, because it's pretty freaking incredible.

I did it.  I set out to lose weight, get healthy, and change my life.  I did all of those things, and so, so much more.  I DID IT.  Holy crap.

But you know what?  I sure as hell didn't do it alone.

As I type this, overwhelmed by so many emotions, the one that stands out the most is gratitude.  So many people have walked, run, and burpeed alongside me throughout this journey, carrying me when I was too tired or discouraged to carry myself, cheering me on when I needed a boost, and just plain being there so I never felt like I was going it alone.  So many of you have changed my life for the better in so many countless ways, and I don't know that I've ever really thanked you for it.  So that is the primary purpose of this post: to say thank you.  Sorry, this is a long and cheesy one, and many will probably find it boring.  But it needs to be said.



For starters, I want to thank my husband, Jim: the kindest, most genuine, most unwaveringly supportive man I've ever met.  When people ask Jim how he feels about my new body, he smiles and tells them, "I've always thought she was beautiful."  Coming from anyone else, it sounds like a cheesy line... but if you know Jim, you know he actually means it.  He loved me at my very worst, and has been by my side through every step of this journey towards becoming my best.  He has been so incredible over the past year: abandoning his love of all things pasta to cook Paleo meals, never complaining when I neglect him to spend time exercising, and not once batting an eye at the time and money I've put into this new lifestyle.  He tolerates my constant stream of CrossFit-related babble, even though he usually has no idea what I'm talking about, and has even learned to tell exactly where to place my post-WOD ice packs based on which lift or movement I'm bitching about that day.  He washes my stinky gym clothes when I'm too exhausted to peel myself off of the couch to do my own laundry.  He never holds it against me when I'm a cranky bitch after a lousy WOD puts me in a funk.  For Christmas, he went all out and bought me a basement full of fitness equipment, the Reebok Nanos I'd had my eye on, and a ton of new workout clothes.  He'll work a 14-hour day, come home to an empty house or an exhausted passed-out wife, sleep for a few hours, and still set his alarm early enough to make me my pre-WOD protein shake on his morning off.  He tells me every day how proud he is of me, and how glad he is that I'm happy.  And the truth is, that's all he's ever wanted for me, even when I didn't care enough to want it for myself.  Jimmy, I don't even know how to begin to thank you.  Without your unconditional love and support, none of this would have been possible.  Thank you for sticking by the person I used to be, for loving the person I am, and for believing in the person I'm trying to be.  Thank you for being the one constant in a year of whirlwind change.  Thank you for everything you've sacrificed to allow me to chase my dreams, and for always believing in my ability to make those dreams come true, even when I didn't quite believe it myself.  I don't know what I did to deserve you... but I promise to spend the rest of our lives trying to make it up to you.  I love you, and I'm so ridiculously lucky to have you as my other half.

To my best friend since 6th grade, Ericka... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have survived the past two decades or so without you.  You have truly been the most amazing friend a girl could ask for.  In a harsh, critical world, you are one of the few people who never judged me, and who stuck by my side no matter how stupid I acted or how many terrible decisions I made.  (Big P?  Anyone?)  You have been there through thick and thin (literally) for longer than pretty much anyone else in my life, and I know that you'll always be there, whether I ever get a pull up or not.  I miss you every day, but with each big accomplishment or small victory I achieve, I always think of you, and of how far we've come from our days of skipping class to go to West End and bringing premixed cocktails to our Friday afternoon classes in 20oz Coke bottles.  (We were so clever...)  Thanks for being my BFF through all of the changes.  This world is unpredictable, but there is one thing of which I am absolutely certain: if and when I ever allow myself to eat pizza again, it will be from Anthony's, and I will be eating it with you. And if there just so happens to be a Dawson's Creek Marathon occurring while we eat said pizza, then that would be okay too.

To my dear friend Alexis Layne... thank you for being the kind of friend who never cared that I was fat, or crazy, or had a tendency to drink way too much and behave badly.  The last 5 years have been a roller coaster ride for me, and I think it might have derailed entirely without you around to keep me on track.  Thank you for wine therapy, for your brutal honesty, for essentially planning my wedding for me, and, above all, for dragging me kicking and screaming into the crazy world of CrossFit.  I owe so much of this transformation to CrossFit, and I owe my love of CrossFit to you.  Thank you for being excited about my PRs despite the fact that your numbers make my numbers look downright pathetic.  Thank you for helping me with my lifts when I was scared shitless before my first big girl WOD.  Thank you for always looking out for me, and for your endless crusade to teach me the difference between ambition and recklessness.  (I know it seems like a lost cause, but I swear I'll figure it out eventually!)  When I look back on where we were five years ago, it seems amazing that we both made it to this point with lives (and livers) intact... I'm so proud of the changes we've made, the lives we've built, and the challenges we've overcome.  I can't wait to see what the world has in store for us next.  And I absolutely insist that, on your wedding day, we get at least one professional picture of you, me, Laura, and Natalie flexing our CrossFit guns. :-)

To the lovely Lynn Hootman... I'm fairly convinced that we are sisters separated at birth.  Our stories have so many parallels, and I'm so glad our paths finally crossed at the Walnut Grove all those years ago.  Thank you for being a constant source of support and positivity throughout this journey.  Thanks for helping me come up with the Twelve Months of Scared Shitless concept, and for being game for all of the craziness we have planned for the upcoming months.  Thanks for being insane enough to jump into a partially frozen creek with me on New Year's Day.  Thanks for dragging me along to hot yoga (who would have thought that I'd like it so much?), and for letting me drag you along to CrossFit (don't worry, the box will still be there when your work schedule calms down).  Thanks for never failing to make me smile, no matter how foul a mood I'm in.  Sometimes I think back to our, ahem, rowdier days, and I'm amazed by how much we have grown and changed.  I'm lucky to have had you by my side through all of it.  We have so many exciting adventures coming up, and I couldn't ask for a better friend to have along for the ride.  I look forward to being scared shitless with you for many months to come!

To my original running buddies, Jess, Mary, and Alanna: thank you for inspiring me to hit the pavement, which really was my first step in this journey.  Thanks for all of the advice and encouragement you gave me when I was starting out, for running 5Ks with me and not minding that I was obnoxiously slow, for being the fellow founding members of the original Team Badass, and for inspiring me with your ambitious goals.  Watching Jess train for her half marathon and listening to Alanna speak so enthusiastically about her long, scary trail races pushed me to set bigger goals for myself.  And while I will probably be cursing you both come May 5th, I know that I will thank you for it someday.  The first steps in any journey are always the hardest... thank you, girls, for taking those steps with me.  I say we reunite for the Shamrock Shuffle and celebrate the one-year anniversary of my first ever race... I promise it won't take me so long this time around. ;-)

To my badass coworkers: thanks for being so awesome.  Thanks for all of the times you've come in early, stayed late, or switched shifts with me so that I could make it to my various workouts on time.  Thanks for always pointing out when my scrub size crossed the line from a little baggy to just plain ridiculous.  Thanks for making an effort to bring in healthy snacks every now and then, and for refraining from eating pizza too close to me at the beginning when I was suffering withdrawal symptoms.  Thanks for putting up with me being a walking zombie some nights when I've done too much WODing and not enough sleeping to the point where my brain can barely function.  Working 12-hour night shifts is not particularly conducive to starting or maintaining a fitness journey, but you all helped to make it possible.  Your understanding and support have been priceless, and have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.  I don't say it enough, so I'm saying it now... thanks.  For all of it.

To my VT Equestrians: Britters, Blair, Mara, Alicia, Duda, Katie, Michelle, and Dory... thank you for being my family through four years of college, and for continuing to be an irreplaceable part of my life, no matter how long we go without seeing eachother.  You ladies gave me my first taste of what it felt like to be part of a team, and I've missed that feeling so much since graduation.  I think it was that void in my life that made CrossFit so appealing, and any time we're doing a team WOD, I always think of my DTAs and what an awesome team we made.  Now that we're spread out all over the country, I don't get to see you or speak to you all as much as I'd like.  But every encouraging text, email, and Facebook comment you've sent me over the past year has put the biggest smile on my face and motivated me to work even harder.  Thank you for cheering me on from afar.  And please know that, regardless of time and distance, you will always be family to me.

To Ariel Lotz, an old friend and riding instructor who I haven't seen in at least a decade, but who has adopted the role of long-distance cheerleader and general advice-giver since I began my quest for badassness.  From sponsoring our team for the Oyster Race (twice!), to your seemingly endless (and MUCHLY appreciated) knowledge of all things athletic, to your often humorous but always helpful comments on my blog posts, I can always count on you to be the first to offer a word of advice or encouragement when I need it.  Thanks for being on Team Emily.  Next up: I need to come visit so you can teach me how to swim. :-)

To Katie Boyer, for taking such AMAZING care of my horse for me through this whirlwind year of too-much-to-do-and-not-enough-hours-in-a-day insanity.  Knowing that my beloved Paintylou is in such capable hands has been a huge contributor in allowing me the time and peace of mind to pursue my dreams this year.  I wouldn't trust him with anyone else in the world, and he and I are both lucky to have you in our lives.

To Shelly Orsini, who has amazed me by taking on her own CrossFit journey while juggling single motherhood and nursing school hell... thank you for reminding me that, no matter what life throws at us, we can always find a way to rise above and fight for what we want.  I've been so inspired by your efforts, and I hope you will continue to share your journey with me as you become Pittsburgh's newest CrossFitting badass.

To Jenn Wohlgamuth, my footwear fairy godmother and a constant source of inspiration for me... thank you for everything you've taught me, both about running and about life.  Thank you for that first pair of Brooks, and for every pair of shoes in between; they have carried me places I never knew I could go.  Thank you for creating such an amazing community at Mojo, where crazy runners can be surrounded by other crazy runners and not feel so crazy.  Thanks for sharing your story with me, and for becoming such an important part of my own story.  Your strength, wisdom, and determination to succeed make you an incredible role model, and the things you do for our community are just fantastic.  Thanks for being an all-around badass.  And above all, thanks for reminding me to make lemonade... or, at the very least, a stiff lemondrop martini.

To the athletes at CrossFit TPA... honestly, there aren't even words.  Thank you, all of you, for taking me under your collective wing, for welcoming me into your family, and for inspiring me in so many countless ways over the past six months.  Thank you for taking a terrifying experience and turning it into the thing I love most.  Thank you for making me laugh, for cheering me on, and for pushing me to be my best. 

To my 8:30 crew: you people are amazing.  You took on the chubby new girl and welcomed her warmly and without judgement.  You have driven, encouraged, and inspired me in far too many ways to list, but I'm going to give it a try anyways.

Toni and Amy, thank you for your endless enthusiasm, your constant encouragement, and for cheering me through a million tough WODs since day one.  You two, especially, made me feel comfortable and at home at the box from the very beginning, and I can't thank you enough for all the ways you've helped me along the way.  You are both strong, beautiful badasses, and it is an honor to work out with you.  Watching you give every WOD everything you've got has pushed me to work harder every day.

Matt, thanks for all the times you've talked me through the end of a horrible WOD that I didn't think I'd be able to finish... we miss you at 8:30!  Still doesn't quite feel like a WOD without a high-five from Matt at the end.

Filippo, thanks for giving me someone to bitch with, and for always making me laugh... watching you improve and get stronger since you joined the box has been so cool, and drives me to work harder myself.  I hope you kick ass at RAW tonight!!!

Maureen, thanks for the constant comic relief... I can't even be mad about burpees when you're around because I'm too busy laughing my ass off.  And your meaty calf boot tutorial was totally life-changing.  Patent that shit.

Thank you Gabe for always having good advice, and Korri for always having a positive attitude and a word of encouragement... you are both so much fun to work out with, and your kids are lucky to have such awesome parents. 

Thank you Laura, Pam, and Kris, for all of your kindness, and for inspiring me to keep running even when I'd rather be at the box... your amazing accomplishments make me want to set loftier goals for myself, and you've inspired me to put Ragnar among those goals, so thanks for that. 

Thank you Jen Fessler for being the most outrageously encouraging person ever.  You've talked me through so many of my biggest PRs and given me so much incredible advice.  Your strength makes you badass, but your strength of character is even more impressive. 

Thanks to Heidi Keefer for being so awesome... I don't know if I've ever told you this, but watching you fight through that second WOD at Fall Brawl was what pushed me to dive in head-first at the box, and I'm eternally thankful for that push. 

Thank you Julie Forde, for becoming my favorite Mayhem partner and for sharing your story with me.  I never in a million years would have guessed that your journey was so similar to my own, and seeing you kicking ass at the box gives me hope and motivation. 

To the badasses in the 5:30 crew, especially Jeannie, Tiffany, Jess, Kate, Pam, Dorsi, Megan, Chris, and Kurt... you all intimidated the shit out of me when I started at the box.  I kept thinking, who are these people with insane numbers on the PR board and beast mode pictures all over the TPA Facebook page?  But as I've had the opportunity to get to know you all, I feel ridiculous for being intimidated, because you guys are some of the kindest, funniest, most encouraging people I've ever met, and I find myself looking forward to Saturday morning Mayhem so that I get a chance to work out with you.  From pull up tips to half marathon training advice, you've all gone out of your way to be kind to me and help me out, despite barely knowing me at the beginning.  That has meant the world to me, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.  And Jeannie, your all-around badassness is an inspiration to women everywhere... thanks for proving that strong is the new skinny and BEAST MODE is not just for dudes.  Just be careful who you talk to about videotaping your snatch, because not everyone is as open-minded about such matters as I am.

Thank you Rebecca and Tom Peters for being a constant source of entertainment, both in and out of the box.  It's good to know that if I ever get the urge to enjoy a Firehouse Red, discuss the finer points of quality cinema, and play a lengthy game of "Wouldn't It Be Funny If", I always know exactly who to call.

Thank you to the Shaffers, for often being the first people I see when I walk into the box in the morning.  I can always tell how miserable the WOD is on any given day by taking one look at Matt.  I find it so impressive that, with two young kids, a new house, and everything else you have going on, you still come to the box and kick ass every week.  You are both inspirational!

To anyone I didn't mention... thank you.  All of you.  Every single person I've met at the box has been so kind, welcoming, and supportive, and it really has made all the difference for me.

Tricia and Julie, you two are absolutely amazing athletes, and even better coaches.  Your enthusiasm and obvious love for what you do is contagious, and although working out with you reminds me just how slow and weak I really am, it also drives me to want to be faster and stronger.  Never in my life have I met anyone who absolutely radiates positivity the way you ladies do, and I couldn't possibly be more grateful for all of your teaching, advice, and encouragement.

Tammy. Oh, Tammy.  Walking into your box, I imagine I was any coach's worst nightmare: zero strength, zero skills, and zero self-confidence.  Even now, I am still laughably uncoordinated, I complain way too much about burpees, I have a penchant for falling off of things, and my learning curve tends to be on the slow-to-non-existent side.  Not exactly the dream client.  But there you've been, with your endless supply of patience, optimism, encouragement, and motivation, refraining from laughing at me and pushing me to do things I never knew I was capable of doing.  You have this incredible ability to say exactly what I need to hear at any given moment, whether it's consolation, affirmation, or a swift kick in the ass when I'm not pushing hard enough.  You make even the smallest accomplishments seem like great victories, and you put my failures in perspective, encouraging me to turn them into goals and opportunities for learning.  The teaching you do doesn't stop at lifts and technique; I've learned so much from you, from nutrition, to the value of rest days, to the very large mental aspect of being an athlete.  You've encouraged me to set crazy goals, and you've helped me see them through.  You've been there for every PR, every struggle, every victory and every defeat, and through it all, you've been a steadying source of unwavering support.  And, most importantly, you believe in me when I have trouble believing in myself.  You can't even imagine the difference that has made.  Thank you.  Thank you for teaching me, pushing me, encouraging me, and making me stronger in every possible way.  Thank you for challenging me, and for expecting me to challenge myself.  Thank you for helping me to become the person I've always wanted to be but never thought I could.  Thank you for making the impossible seem possible.  And I think I speak for everyone at TPA when I say... thank you for the box.  Thank you for giving us all a place to call home, a group to call family, and a sport to fall in love with.  At TPA, I know that I can lay it all out there, give my absolute all for one hour a day, and not be judged if my all doesn't measure up to everyone else's.  It's a place where I can be surrounded by some of my favorite people, do my favorite thing, and improve myself and my life a little bit each and every day.  It's a place where ordinary people can do extraordinary things, and honestly, what more could anyone ask for?  You give so much of yourself to us, and it really doesn't seem like there is an adequate way to thank you for all that you do.  But please know that you have single-handedly changed my life for the absolute better more than any one person I've ever met.  Thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  The best decision I ever made was the decision to walk into your box.  I never realized how lost I was until I found myself inside that garage door.


To all of my friends, family, and complete strangers who have shown me kindness, encouragement, support, and enthusiasm over the past year... thank you.  To everyone who has read this blog and shared in my journey... thank you.  To everyone who has doubted me... thank you, too, because it just motivates me to work harder.  All of you, each and every one of you, have played some part in the crazy story that has been the last 365 days of my life, and I can't thank you enough.  They say no man is an army, and I think that is especially true for anyone trying to make drastic changes in their lives.  I might have been the one logging the miles, doing the burpees, and forgoing the pizza... but you all made this possible.  You gave me strength, motivated me to keep going, and made me feel like I was never alone on this path.  I feel so incredibly blessed to have you all in my life.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Just... thank you.

1 year.  365 days.  119 pound.  9 jeans sizes.  0 slices of pizza. 3,457,097,193 burpees.  (Give or take a few.)

But it's so much more than numbers.  It's the confidence I feel when I look in the mirror.  It's the sense of empowerment I get from a big lift.  It's the way I feel at the box every morning, and how that feeling stays with me throughout the day.  It's realizing that, for the first time, I like who I am, and I love who I am becoming.  It's being happy.  Really, truly, thoroughly happy, for the first time in my life.

1 year.  365 days.  1 new me.

Friends, I think it's time for me to throw out the fat pants.  Or donate them to Good Will.  Or put them in a time capsule.  Or waterproof them and fashion them into a four-man tent.  I used to pull out those fat pants every time I got discouraged or felt like a failure, to remind myself how far I'd come.  But I think it's time to let all of that go.  It's time to stop thinking of myself in terms of where I came from, and start focusing on where I'm going.  Time to stop comparing myself to "the old me" and start comparing myself to the person I want to be.  Because I like to think that, whatever I've accomplished to this point, the things I'm capable of accomplishing next are so much more exciting.

For 30 years, I was Emily Gold: the fat girl.  For the past year, I've been Emily Gold: the girl trying to be less fat.  Now, I'm Emily Gold: the girl who used to be fat.  I think I'm ready for some new labels without the word "fat" in them.  Because I'm so much more than a pant size or a number on the scale, and I realize that now.  For the first time in a long time, I know what I want and who I want to be.  I want to be Emily Gold: CrossFitter.  Runner.  Competitor.  Athlete.  Badass.  And maybe I'll come up with some new ones as I go along.  (Emily Gold: NINJA... it has a nice ring to it, no?)  I want to be strong, in every sense of the word.  I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.  I want to be courageous, and to be the kind of person who inspires other people the way so many of you have inspired me.  I'm not there yet, either.  But I like to think I'm on my way.  In fact, I like to think I'm on my way to a lot of places.  Anywhere I want to go, really.  That's the amazing thing about this past year... it taught me that I really can do anything, as long as I'm willing to give it everything.

Today starts a brand new year.  What will it hold for me?  Not a clue.  But that's the best part.  The sky's the limit, my friends, and I'm ready to take flight.

3... 2... 1...

...GO!!!!!!!