Haters, excuses and priorities

We're quickly approaching the one-year anniversary of the fateful February day when I stepped on a scale, bought my running shoes, and hit the pavement for the first tentative steps of what has become the craziest journey of my life.  Over the past 357 days, I have received an overwhelmingly tremendous amount of support from the vast majority of the people in my life.  Every step of the way, I've had amazing friends by my side, cheering me on and pushing me forward when I wanted to quit.  This year has truly restored my faith in mankind in a way that I never thought possible, and I am immeasurably grateful for the kindness and encouragement that I've received from so many.

That being said... there are a handful of people who have not been so supportive.  They are few and far between, but they're out there.  Some of them are overweight friends who seem a little bitter about the fact that I've left their ranks.  Some are athletic people who supported me in the beginning but now seem to resent my progress.  Some are friends who seem a little hurt by the fact that my workout schedule and healthy lifestyle have cut into our previous pastimes of beer drinking and fried food consumption.  And some people are probably just sick and tired of hearing me talk about CrossFit.

I can understand where all of these people are coming from, and I don't hold it against them.  The truth of the matter is, any time you make a lifestyle change as drastic as mine, not everyone is going to be on board with the "new you".  Throughout this year of shrinking, there's been a lot of growth.  And the sad but inevitable has happened: I've grown away from some of my friends.  I don't take it personally, and I hope they don't, either.

But there is one breed of hater that I take very personally: the ones who question and/or belittle the validity of my accomplishments.

On Tuesday, I was at a monthly committee meeting at the hospital.  Since I only see these people once a month, they notice the changes in my body more drastically than the people who see me every day, so there is always some commentary.  Usually this commentary is of the supportive variety.  However, this week, someone I barely know had the balls to ask me a question that completely caught me off guard:

"Are you sure you didn't have gastric bypass surgery?  Because it kind of looks like you did."

Now, I know that this rumor has floated around.  And I know that 119 pounds of weight loss in a year is pretty drastic, so I can see where people might be suspicious.  And one other person has asked me directly if my weight loss was surgically accelerated.  But the way this person asked was more of an accusation than a question.  And it pissed me off.

It saddens me that, in this world of short cuts and quick fixes, it is so hard for people to believe that results really can be achieved by the good old-fashioned method of sweat, will power, and hard work.  Everyone is looking for the magic pill, the easy delivered-to-your-door diet, or the surgical procedure to make their fat disappear and their lives better.  And you know what?  That's fine.  I don't judge.  I think that any step towards a healthier lifestyle is a step in the right direction.  But it's not the step I took.  Anyone who knows me at all knows how hard I've been working, how much I've given up, and how many challenges I've faced along the way.  I don't regret a second of it, and I wouldn't trade this journey for any quick fix.  To have a random acquaintance question all of that is not just irritating... it's downright offensive.

I responded politely, explaining that, while I believe that gastric bypass is an acceptable path for some, it was not one that I was ever willing to consider for myself.  I told her that my weight loss was the result of good nutrition, a healthy lifestyle, and a lot of exercise.  I gave her a short run-down of my work-out routine: 5-6 days a week of CrossFit, 3-4 runs a week, 2-3 yoga sessions a week, and whatever else I can squeeze in.  (And I might have discreetly pushed up my scrub sleeves and given a little gun show while pretending to stretch.  Find me the bariatric surgeon who can give me those, Hater McHaterson!).  I finished my spiel, feeling satisfied for taking the high road and swallowing the many snarky comebacks that had been on the tip of my tongue.

Her response?

"Wow.  You're so lucky.  I could NEVER find that kind of free time."

Gah. GAH!

I get comments like this a lot, although usually phrased in a far less offensive way.  I can't tell you how many times well-meaning people have told me, "That's amazing.  I'd love to do what you do.  But..."  And the "but" is inevitably followed by one or more reasons why they "can't" embark on their own weight loss/health/fitness journey.  They don't have time.  They have kids.  They work too hard.  They just don't have the energy.  They can't afford it.  I've heard a million different reasons why people "can't."  And it drives me crazy.

Not because I haven't been known to make excuses.  I spent most of my life coming up with excuses for being overweight and not making healthy lifestyle choices.  I was a champion excuse-maker.  But what irks me if the implication that, since I have made choices and changes, I clearly must have more time/less work/fewer responsibilities/more expendable cash/a much easier life that has allowed me the time and energy to do so.

Let's get something clear: I don't have the time... I make the time.  I have the same responsibilities as everyone else: a full-time job, a husband, a house to maintain, a mortgage and a car payment to pay, a menagerie of spoiled rotten animals who demand my attention, and a desire to maintain some semblance of a social life.  I'm as busy, worn out, and stretched thin as the next person.  The changes I've made in my life have not been the result of a "lucky" abundance of time, energy, or funds... they've been the result of hard work, sacrifice, dedication, and self-discipline.  Luck has very little to do with it.  Busting my ass has everything to do with it.

The truth is, I could still come up with a million excuses to skip a workout or fall off of the health food wagon or return to my old sedentary lifestyle.  And some of them would be pretty valid excuses.  But the cold hard truth is this:  If it's important to you, you'll find a way.  If it's not, you'll find an excuse.  I've made my health my #1 priority over the past year.  I certainly don't expect everyone to do the same, or judge people who don't.  But every time I hear someone tell me, "That's so nice that you can do that.  I wish I had the [time/energy/money/whatever] to do something like that," it makes me want to scream.  I'd like to address some of the most common excuses people make (and that I've admittedly made in the past) for not making healthy lifestyle changes, along with all the reasons why they are (and I was) full of crap.

1)  "I don't have time."

Far and away the number one excuse I hear.  Too many things to do, not enough hours in the day.  Well, folks, let me fill you in on a little secret: healthy people have the same 24-hour day as you.  We all have other shit going on.  I don't know anyone who sits around all morning thinking about what to wear to their workout and spends the entire evening relaxing and recovering.  Everyone at the box works out on the way to or from something, whether it's work, kids, or other obligations.  We have lives, too.  We just choose to adjust those lives to make time for exercise.  Some days it works out better than others, but there's always a way to find that one hour of your day to be active, if you want it badly enough.  Wake up an hour earlier, or go to bed an hour later.  Work out on your lunch break.  (Unless, like me and most in my profession, "lunch break" is somewhere near "unicorn who shits gold" on the list of things you never have any hope of seeing.)  Skip American Idol or whatever stupid TV show you'd never confess that you like to watch in the evenings (admit it, you have one.  We all do) and go use that hour to hit the treadmill.  Skip your nap.  Skip happy hour.  Skip something if you have to... sometimes you have to make sacrifices to achieve your goals.  That's life.  Do I miss getting sleep between night shifts?  Yep.  But I choose to give up some of that sleep to have time to go to the box in the morning after work.  I choose to go to yoga and stretch out my sore CrossFit muscles rather than meet up with friends for dinner and drinks.  I choose to get up early and go for a Sunday morning run instead of sleeping in and spending a lazy Sunday morning in bed.  Fitness is a choice you make... not just once, but every day.  If it's not a choice that you wish to make, that's fine.  But don't blame a lack of time.  The fact of the matter is, a one-hour workout is 4% of your day.  According to recent statistics, the average American spends close to 20% of their day in front of a television.  Think about it.

2)  "I don't have the energy after a long day at work."

This one hits especially close to home for me.  I work 12-hour night shifts, usually without a break and sometimes without a chance to pee, much less eat a snack, in a stressful environment where a mistake could quite literally kill someone.  After three of those in a row, often with little or no sleep in between, do you really think I'm well-rested and well-energized?  Hell no. I'm usually dragging ass and half asleep when I arrive for my 8:30 WOD.  But I go anyways.  And you know what?  I have way more energy after my workout than I did before it.  Being healthy and active actually gives you energy.  And if you reeeeally can't stomach the idea of hitting the gym or lacing up your running shoes after work, get moving before work.  The 5:30am WODers at my box are a bunch of super-badasses who manage to kill a ridiculously brutal workout before most of us are even hitting the snooze button in the morning.  And they're not waking up at the asscrack of dawn and doing warm-up runs in the dark just for the hell of it... they have jobs to get to just like everyone else.  It can be done.  Again, it comes down to priorities.

3)  "I'm too busy because I have kids."

Now, here is an excuse I can't personally speak for.  I don't have children, and I can only imagine how much having them would complicate one's daily schedule.  Hell, I can barely find time to spoil my horse and take my overly-attached dogs to the puppy park most days.  But I do know that the vast majority of the people at my box and in my run group have children, and it doesn't stop them from doing what they do.  They just have to plan better.  I can give you so many examples of people who blow this excuse out of the water, but the one that comes to mind immediately is my friend Jessica.  Jess is a single mother who works two jobs, is in school for her BSN, is very involved in her child's life (coached cheerleading, etc.), and last year, trained for and completed her first half marathon.  If that's not a busy life, I don't know what is.  But she didn't let that stop her from accomplishing her goal.  Jess was one of my primary inspirations when I first started running.  Every time I came home from work in the morning and wanted to take a nap instead of going for my run, I would think to myself... "Jess worked 12 hours last night, too.  And she has a kid to feed and get on the bus.  And she has a paper to write.  And I know she's still finding time to run.  What's my excuse, again?"  I can't tell you how many times this thought got my whiney ass out on the pavement when it wanted to be in bed.  I was so impressed and proud of her when she finished that half marathon... not just because a half marathon is pretty badass in and of itself, but because she set her mind to something and then did it, despite a million other priorities fighting for her time and attention.  She had a whole arsenal of excuses at her disposal, but didn't use them... instead, she made the choice every day to work towards that goal.  And I give her mad kudos for that.  My point?  Obviously kids take priority over exercise.  That's a given.  But plenty of people are able to juggle the two, along with many other priorities, just fine.  IF THEY WANT TO BADLY ENOUGH.  (Are you sensing a theme, here?)

4)  "I can't afford a gym membership."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  We all have bills to pay.  Life is expensive.  I know this.  And I know that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have a decent-paying job and a steady income.  But if you eat multiple meals out every week, pay a small fortune to tan/get your nails done/get your hurrr did on a regular basis, have all of the latest fun tech toys, and still say you can't afford a gym membership?  I declare bullshit.  You can afford it... you just choose NOT to afford it because there are other things you'd rather spend your money on.  And that's okay!  I'm not judging.  I'm merely pointing out that, if you really wanted to join a gym, you could cook more meals at home, or do your own nails, or limit yourself to one iPad.  Again, it comes down to priorities and sacrifices.  My husband and I are foodies.  We love to go to nice restaurants, try new food, and drink good wine.  But we've drastically cut down on our meals out because we have things we'd rather do with that money now.  Dinner for two and a bottle of wine at Monterrey Bay easily covers a month of my unlimited CrossFit membership.  I'm not going on a vacation this year because I'd rather spend that money on race entry fees.  I have yet to replace the vast majority of my fat girl wardrobe (i.e. I wear the same two pair of jeans and three shirts all of the time because nothing else fits me) because it's more important to me to have properly-fitting and high-quality athletic gear.  I've made sacrifices to do this... but somehow, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice because it's what I love and what I'm passionate about.  Priorities.  Priorities.  Priorities.  And, if you're not willing to give up your weekly dinner indulgence or your pricey keratin treatments, it doesn't cost that much to buy a pair of running shoes.  And it doesn't cost anything to use them.  Just sayin'.

5)  "I'm not fit enough to do what you do."

I get this response ALL THE TIME when people ask me about my workout routine and I invite them to come try CrossFit with me.  Everyone says they couldn't possibly do all of the things we do at the box, and that they'll need to get fitter before they try any of our "crazy stuff."  I could come up with a witty response, but Tammy put it best when we were discussing this yesterday: "Getting fit to go to CrossFit is like eating four sandwiches before you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet."  LOVE THIS, and it is so true.  You go to CrossFit to GET fit... you don't get fit to go to CrossFit.  End of story.  I think I established earlier in this blog that anyone with drive and cajones can do CrossFit.  And if getting your ass kicked in an unthinkably brutal way isn't really your thing, there are a million different kinds of exercise you can do... you just have to find what you love and roll with it.  But you have to start somewhere.  If you wait until you feel like you're "fit enough" to start an exercise routine, you'll never get started.  You just have to jump in.  And you have to want it.


I could go on with the excuses and my responses to them, but the general theme is always the same: if you want anything badly enough, you'll figure out a way to make it work.  If someone told you they'd pay you a million dollars to exercise every day, I can assure you that you'd find time for that.  For me, the benefits of my new lifestyle have been priceless.  It's all about finding what motivates you.  It's about prioritizing, being willing to accept sacrifice, and finding a way regardless of what else life throws at you.

I know that there are some people who legitimately do not have a life that allows them to exercise and pursue a fitness routine.  And I know how very blessed I am to have a supportive husband, relatively flexible job hours, and the physical and financial resources to do what I do.  But I also like to think that, even without those things, I still would have found and followed this path.  And I also know that, for every person I've met who has a legitimate excuse, I've met twenty people with bullshit excuses.  Some people really don't have the time, funds, or physical capability to work out... but most people just don't have the desire.  And there's NOTHING wrong with that.  But accept some responsibility.

Is being a workout-obsessed health nut a lifestyle that everyone wants? Obviously not.  Is it a lifestyle everyone should want?  Hell no.  Not everyone else is as weird as I am.  If working out isn't your thing, there's nothing wrong with that.  If you have no desire to be more fit or weigh less, that's okay.  It's not for everyone.  We all have our priorities.  If working out isn't one of yours, that's cool.  I won't judge you for it and neither should anyone else.  But OWN IT.  Admit that it's not something you are willing to commit to at this time, and that you simply have other things in your life that are more important to you.  Abandon the excuses.  And for the love of God, don't patronize me by implying that the success of my fitness journey is a result of luck, or unlimited time and funds, or limited responsibility.  Because I (quite literally) worked my ass off to be where I am right now, and I'm damn proud of that.  I refuse to let my accomplishments be belittled by anyone, regardless of how many excuses they have or how "lucky" they think I am.

This goes for everything in life, not just fitness.  Changing your life is never easy.  Anything worth doing is going to require dedication, sacrifice, and a serious level of commitment.  You just have to decide if change is worth it to you.  Then you either do it, or you don't.  It's that simple.  If it's worth it, find a way.  If it's not, don't.  But don't belittle or make assumptions about those who choose to pursue that change.  And whatever you do, don't go around telling people how "lucky" they are for having the courage and motivation to change their lives.  Luck wins $10 on a scratch-off lottery ticket.  It won't get me my pull up.  It won't help me RX Fran.  And it sure as hell didn't make 119 pounds disappear into thin air.

*End Rant.*

In other news, I PR'ed this week on both back squats and front squats, and had some very painful (but admittedly helpful) hang clean immersion therapy that I somehow managed at the prescribed weight (although it sure wasn't pretty)... and I survived so many burpees this week that I can't help but wonder if I've somehow managed to offend Tammy and am being punished for something.

This facial expression pretty accurately describes how I feel about burpees.

As does my very appropriate "I HEART BURPEES (said nobody ever)" shirt.

Maybe it was this choice of attire that has earned me a week of burpee purgatory?

I also am continuing to make progress on my pull ups by practicing a little bit every day after the WOD.  I can now do them consistently with the green band and can get a few with the red band.  I feel like my unassisted pull up is coming.  I don't know when it will make its debut appearance, but I feel like it's close.  I'll keep ya posted.

Look, Mom!  No black band!

I'm also in the process of setting up my 2013 race schedule, which is looking pretty daunting but very exciting.  I'll post it within the next few days, so if anyone wants to join me for any or all of them, that would be badass.  If you are doing or thinking about doing any cool races that I should know about, please fill me in.  The more races I have lined up, the less likely I am to bitch out on my runs over the next few months, which will hopefully prevent me from dying during the half marathon and/or Tough Mudder.  And if anyone is game for a 6-miler on Sunday morning, please let me know.

That's all for now, folks.  I'm so sore I can barely type, and I'm looking at another long, short-staffed night in the ER.  Wish me luck... and WOD on. :-)

One more super-hot facial expression... my parting gift to you.

Out with the old...

Friends, yesterday I had a truly, amazingly, ridiculously awesome experience.  It was a little bit life changing and I can't believe it took me 31 years and 24 days to take the plunge.

I had my first professional massage.

Oooooohmygod. 

I've been more sore than usual this week, probably a combo of lifting increasingly more weight in my WODs and irritating my back a little bit with max dead lifts on Wednesday.  After yesterday morning's burpee-fest at the box (who the hell invented the inverted burpee and what in the name of God were they thinking?!  And Korri, I love you... but I did NOT love your birthday burpees!), I was seriously struggling.  My whole back felt tight, my quads were aching, and my whole upper body was sore from 3-rep max push presses this morning (another PR for me... BOOM!)... I was hurtin', to say the least.  Normally I love this pain, as I mentioned in my last post.  But yesterday's soreness was beyond the norm, and I knew if I didn't get my muscles to stop hating me, there was no way I'd be able to WOD this morning.  And nothing makes me crankier than missing a Friday WOD.

I've been thinking of getting a massage for a month or so now, but hadn't found the time or inclination to actually go through with it.  Yesterday, in the middle of 4 glorious days off from work, I had the time.  And more than enough inclination.  So I called Osiris Wellness and Day Spa in Evans City.  This place came highly recommended by several friends, and while I knew it would be cheaper to go to one of the chain massage joints in Cranberry, I figured I might as well go all out and fully embrace the foreign world known as "the spa experience."  So on a whim, I called to make an appointment, and they had an opening for that very afternoon.  Score!

The two hours I spent at Osiris so far exceeded my expectations that they almost had to drag me out the door.  First, I was given a super fluffy robe and a tour of the facility (which, PS, is beautiful)... then I was escorted the the Amenities Room, where I was greeted by the cold day trifecta of a sauna, steam room, and hot tub.  I spent a solid 40 minutes rotating between the three until I was pretty sure my flesh was on the verge of melting off, at which time I was offered a snack and a beverage and sent to the Meditation Room.  There, I lounged around in the world's comfiest chaise-chair-thingy, listening to soothing music and embracing a few rare moments of nothingness in my usually hectic existence.  By the end of the first hour, I already felt less sore, and more relaxed than I've felt in months.

Then came the main event.  For one glorious hour, I experienced my first ever deep tissue Swedish massage.  And it... was... GLORIOUS.  I can't even describe it.  Those of you who have had massages will understand, and those who haven't need to go get one RIGHT NOW, because it is pretty much like Christmas, my birthday, and Halloween all rolled into one.  By the end of the hour, I had been reduced to a puddle of tingly gratitude.  My muscles literally felt like liquid.  Those post-WOD aches and pains?  GONE.  Vanished into thin air at the skilled hands of my massage therapist/new favorite person ever.  She was able to find all of my most painful spots without any direction and worked her magic until they felt good as new again.  By the time she was done, I wanted to hug her.  But I figured she would probably be more appreciative if I demonstrated my gratitude in monetary form.  So instead of an awkward stranger-hug, I gave her a big fat tip, paid for my massage (which was surprisingly reasonable, considering how freaking MAGICAL it was), and reluctantly returned my fluffy robe before practically skipping to my car, feeling like a whole new person.  I felt amazing, pain-free, rejuvenated, and ready to kick some ass at the box the next day.

Why am I rambling about a Swedish massage on my fitness/weight loss blog, you ask?  Because this wasn't just a massage, my friends... it was a huge step towards shedding the "fat girl" image I've been struggling with since my weight loss.  For the first 30 years of my life, I refused to even entertain the idea of getting a professional massage for one simple reason: I was too self-conscious about my body.  The idea of gettin' nekid in front of a complete stranger, even while draped, was pretty much the most horrifying prospect on the planet.  As much as I wished I could enjoy the spa days that my friends used to plan, it just wasn't an option for me.  I'd filed the idea under "Stuff I'm Too Fat To Do", and jammed the folder into the back of my mental file cabinet to be forgotten.

I really never realized how much that folder was overflowing until I finally started pulling things out of it and moving them one by one to the "Stuff I Can FINALLY Do" file.  There were so many simple every day things that I couldn't or wouldn't do... things that people who have never been overweight take for granted, but that always made me feel like I was missing out on life somehow.  Sometimes little things, when made unattainable, become big things. 

I never went shopping for clothes with my friends, because I was too embarrassed to drag their skinny asses into the plus size department to help me pick out my fat girl clothes.  I desperately wanted to bring my bridesmaids along with me to try on wedding dresses, because I wanted it to be a fun and special day with my closest friends; instead, I went wedding dress shopping with my mother, because I didn't want my friends to see how difficult it might be to find sample dresses that I could fit into.  I ended up trying on exactly two dresses, and buying the first one that fit because I didn't want to spend any more time in front of the mirror.  Fat girls don't always get to find the dream dress... sometimes, they get whatever fits.

Two years ago, I bought a house with an in ground swimming pool, because I had visions of epic pool parties and lazy days spent with friends drinking mojitos and soaking up sunshine.  One problem: I wouldn't be caught dead in front of most of my friends in swimwear.  So far, I've pretty much only enjoyed my swimming pool alone or with my husband, and only when the neighbors aren't outside to see.  Even in my own back yard, I used to let my self-consciousness govern my life.

Beach vacations?  No tan for me.  I was constantly covering up my unflattering one-piece with sweat pants and a t-shirt.

For the last ten years, the only shorts I owned were the ones I slept in.  I wore jeans year round, because I hated my chubby, stubby legs.

When I went to playgrounds with my friends' kids, I was always scared to get on the swings because I was worried that they wouldn't hold my weight.  Same deal with hammocks, porch swings, and folding chairs.  If it didn't look sturdy, I wasn't sitting on it.

You know how, when you're getting on a plane/train/bus, you take a moment to pray to the travel gods that you aren't stuck next to a fat person who is going to squish you against the window?  Okay.  Now, imagine being that fat person, and knowing that it doesn't matter who's sitting next to you, because you're going to be smashed into your too-small seat like an overstuffed sausage no matter what.  Travel was downright miserable for me.

Same goes for sporting events.  I would spend endless time (and money) in a search for aisle seats at Heinz Field and Lane Stadium, because I felt so bad about my friends having to deal with me infringing on their Terrible Towel-waving/Hokie Pokey-ing space.

I never thought I would be able to sky dive, or play on a zip line, or shadow a flight nurse on the chopper, because all of those things have weight limits.  I never thought I'd feel comfortable enough in my body to wear cute sundresses, pull off all the fun trends my friends were wearing, or go to try on clothes in front of anyone but my husband.  I never thought I'd be confident enough in my physical abilities to join in on the annual softball game at the ER summer picnic, join my friends on skiing or hiking trips, or run in a group where other people could see how slow and out of shape I was.

So many nevers.

Fast forward to today.  I'm not scared of airplane seats or swing sets anymore.  I'd rather be on the 50 yard line than in an aisle seat.  I'm counting the days until summer so I can finally throw that epic pool party at my house and soak up as much sun as possible, neighbors be damned.  I wear shorts as often as I can because I am in love with my legs... in fact, they are currently my favorite body part.  I can shop anywhere I want (or I could, if I hadn't adopted the habit of blowing all of my expendable income on workout clothes and running shoes), and although I still loathe the mall, shopping is way less miserable with friends.  Skydiving and ziplining are both on my 2013 bucket list.  And yesterday, I got ass naked in front of a complete stranger and enjoyed my first ever deep tissue Swedish massage.

Every time I turn a "never" into a "now", I take one step closer to shedding my fat girl self-image and fully embracing the new me.  Of course, there are still things I don't feel comfortable doing; I'm not confident enough to rock a bikini or work out in the cute little booty shorts that some of my skinnier boxmates wear.  But I've come a long way.  And most of the items left in my "never" file are slowly filtering into the "maybe someday" file.

Lately, I've been seeing commercials for some weight loss program where a skinny person is having a conversation with his/her formerly fat self.  Despite how ridiculous and creepy these ads are, they got me to thinking today... if I could go back in time five years and talk to my former fat self, what would I tell her?  Would I tell her to not be so afraid?  Would I tell her to never say never; that she's capable of so much more than she can possibly imagine?  Or would I tell her to lay off the pizza and cookies and eat some damn vegetables, so that she might never have gotten so fat in the first place?

I'm not proud of my past... in fact, I'm downright embarrassed by parts of it.  But I don't regret any of it.  I am the happiest I've ever been in my life, and I'm so proud of all that I have accomplished.  But I wouldn't be who I am without the mistakes of my past, and I honestly don't think I would fully appreciate those accomplishments if I hadn't had to work so hard for them.  Does that make sense?  If I'd never been fat, I wouldn't be able to appreciate how awesome it feels to be healthy.  If I hadn't struggled with depression and low self-esteem for most of my life, it would be so easy to take for granted the happiness and confidence that I feel today.  If I hadn't been so scared for so long, I might never have known how life-changing and empowering it is to face those fears head on and beat them.  How could I ever truly, fully appreciate the good without first experiencing the bad?

So I think, if I could go back in time five years and talk with my former self, I would just smile and tell her to carry on.  I wouldn't tell her to change a thing.  Because every struggle, every mistake, every terrible decision I ever made or misstep I ever took, has led me to where I am right now.  And I'm telling you, it's a pretty badass place to be.  I wouldn't trade who I am or how I feel today for the world, and I wouldn't change one single step of the path I took to get here.  I have no regrets.

Well, maybe I kind of regret not getting a deep tissue Swedish massage a little earlier in life, because that shit is awesome.  But that's pretty much it.

In other news... it was another brutal Friday at the box.  The fine folks at CrossFit TPA decided that this lovely little workout would be a nice TGIF gift to us:

For those of you who are not CrossFitters, KBS = kettlebell swings (fairly self-explanatory), and SDHP = sumo dead lift high pull, which I can only really describe as a totally ridiculous-looking exercise in which you squat like a sumo wrestler, touch the kettlebell to the ground, and then pull it up in front of your face with an awkward high-elbow movement.  The prescribed weight for females was 35lb, and although I had very little confidence in my ability to swing the "big girl" KB that many times, I decided to give it a shot.  (And if any of you are thinking, "35 pounds?  That's nothing!"... I invite you to join me at the box and give this WOD a try.  35 pounds starts to feel really effing heavy after that first round of 80 swings.)  It took me forever, and as usual, I was the last person to finish.  But I stuck with my 35lb kettlebell for every last rep, no matter how badly I wanted my trusty old 26-pounder back, and I RX'ed this evil bitch of a WOD.  It was miserable and horrible and I hated/loved every second of it.  I even stayed afterwards to work on my pull ups, and made more progress using the green band.  It was a painful but awesome morning.

This morning's suffer-fest was a fitting wrap up to what ended up being a banner week at the box.  For the first time ever, I completed all five WODs this week with the prescribed weight.  (One day I even used more than the prescribed weight because I'm an idiot and didn't read the board properly... and then wondered why I was a hot strugglin' mess.  Oops.)  In addition to my first RXed weight week, I also hit new PRs on bench press, push press, and 3-rep max dead lifts.  Throw in a major and long-awaited breakthrough on pull ups, and you have a pretty respectable week with a relatively low suck factor.  Overall, I'm a pretty damn happy girl today.  Sadly, the awesome effects of yesterday's massage were essentially obliterated by this morning's brutality, and I think I'm close to getting smacked in the face by the Take A Damn Rest Day Wall again... but somehow, I've never felt better.  Bring on Primal Mayhem tomorrow!

I will close out this post with a little recruitment action.  A friend of mine brought THIS to my attention... the Ragnar Racing Series is hitting the trails!!!  While the Napa Valley Ragnar is still on my bucket list, I am WAY more excited about a trail relay!  Trail running is the only kind of running that I truly, legitimately enjoy.  Throw in camping, s'mores, and a weekend in the stunning mountains of Appalachia with seven friends... what could be better?  Since the Oyster Race is not coming back to Pittsburgh this year (which you will hear me cry about in a future post, because I am downright distraught about it), my June calendar was wide open for a Scared Shitless adventure.  Sooo... on June 7th and 8th, I will be in West Virginia, camping under the stars and covering 15 or so of 120 total miles of incredible trails as part of a team of 8.  And I couldn't possibly be more excited about it.

Only... I don't really have a team of 8 yet.  That's where you come in.

So far, I have two definites, two probables, and a handful of maybes.  I plan on registering a team over the next week or so, so check your calenders, check your inhibitions at the door, and join my Ragnar Trail Relay team!!!  (If we have enough interest, we could even split into a fast team and a slow team... but I'd be happy with eight.)  For more information, check out the website:

http://www.ragnartrail.com/

It's the Appalachian race in WV in June.  Get back to me ASAP so we can make this happen. :-D

Pain and Pull Ups

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

(If you didn't catch this movie reference, go bang your head off of a wall a few times.  Then run -- don't walk -- to your nearest video store, purchase The Princess Bride, and watch it immediately.  You're welcome.)

Pain is an unavoidable part of life.  As an ER nurse, way too much of my existence revolves around it.  99% of the patients who walk through our doors are there because they are in some kind of pain.  For forty hours a week, pain is my job. 

Part of our initial nursing assessment of patients is the pain assessment.  We ask patients to rate their pain on a scale of zero to ten, and have them describe their pain from a checklist of adjectives.  "Is it a sharp pain?  Dull?  Aching?  Stabbing?"  (Incidentally, I never knew how obnoxious the pain assessment really is until I was a patient in the ER myself prior to my gall bladder surgery.  How would I describe my pain, you ask?  It feels like an irate family of piranhas are trying to gnaw their way through my fucking abdomen.  Is that on your checklist?)  Generally, when we ask people to rate and describe their pain, we are met with blank stares and a fairly typical response: "I don't know.  It just hurts."

I can relate.  For someone who is not used to being in pain, it can be hard to put a finger on what kind of pain you're having.  Prior to the beginning of my weight loss and fitness adventures, I was fortunate enough to have relatively little experience with pain.  I have been blessed with good health (for which I am incredibly thankful, especially considering how poorly I treated my body for 30 years), and have always thought that I had a pretty high pain tolerance.  After spending my entire childhood being tossed off of rowdy ponies, skiing into trees at high speed, and demonstrating spectacular gravel-burned, blood-smeared bike wipeouts while racing the neighborhood kids down my mother's hilly driveway, I've obtained my fair share of injuries.  I've had more stitches and casts than I can keep track of, and it seemed like I was always getting bumps, scrapes, and bruises of some sort as a kid.  But I'd never had a serious medical condition or severe injury, and growing up with Dr. Gold's "take a Tylenol and suck it up" parenting method, I learned from an early age not to overreact to pain.  Sure, it didn't feel awesome to have my toes stomped on by a horse wearing steel shoes, and it didn't exactly tickle to be thrown into a wooden fence at high speed on days when my temperamental horse Frankie decided she didn't feel like jumping that day.  But it hurt, and then I got over it, and then it went away.  Pain was rarely a big deal, and was never a part of my daily life.

Enter CrossFit.

Before stumbling upon CrossFit TPA, I had no concept of how many different ways the body can experience pain.  Now, I find myself in the unfamiliar position of always hurting.  I can count on one hand the days I've woken up and NOT felt sore after a WOD.  At the beginning, I thought that once I got past my initial horrendous out-of-shapeness, the pain I experienced during and after a WOD would decrease.

Yeah.  Right.

As it turns out, quite the opposite is true.  I'm finally getting to the point where simply surviving the WOD isn't good enough anymore... I want to succeed at the WOD.  The stronger I get, the more often I'm attempting the prescribed weight and trying to ditch some of the old modifications.  This is a good thing; it means I'm improving and making progress.  But it also means that I'm pushing my body harder, and, as a result, I'm experiencing all sorts of fun new varieties of pain.

The more in tune I become with my body, the better I am able to identify the many different kinds of pain that come along with being a CrossFitter.  This awareness has allowed me to distinguish which kinds of pain come from what, and how to cope with them.

First, there's warm-up pain.  This is the aching tightness during the morning's first set of air squats, or the protesting cracking of joints when I first hop onto the rower for my warm-up row.  It's my body bitching about being put back to work... didn't we just do this?!  I feel this kind of pain pretty much every morning for the first ten or so minutes of my warm-up exercises, and sometimes even through the first few reps of the WOD.  The solution to warm-up pain?  Simple: warm up.  Stretch.  Throw in a few extra air squats in the warm up until your legs stop hating you.  Tell your body to suck it up... it will feel better once it gets moving.  So just get moving already.

Then there's the pain you feel early-to-mid-WOD, when you're finishing round 2 of 5, or are 8 minutes into your 20-minute AMRAP, and you have a "holy shit I'm not even halfway done and I'm already DYING!" moment... wait, no?  Nobody else?  Okay, well, I always have that almost-mid-WOD panic attack, at which point I notice a generalized pain that I'm convinced is more mental than physical.  It usually only lasts for a moment, then I'm able to refocus, tune out the clock, and push on through my workout.  But I almost always have a few seconds somewhere early on during which everything just feels achy and weak.  The solution to this kind of pain is a swift attitude adjustment.  As soon as I am able to get out of my head and focus on the task at hand, I'm good to go.

Another type of pain with which I think all CrossFitters are all too familiar: it's what I like to call Last Round Pain.  It's the burning, shooting, brutal sensation when you are trying to push through your final round, despite the fact that your muscles are SCREAMING at you that they simply can't handle one more single rep.  It's when your arms and/or legs are literally shaking from the effort of the WOD; when the fatigue that has been creeping up behind you over the past few rounds finally catches up with you and sucker punches you with 90 seconds left to go.  It's the agony you feel when your body is at its breaking point, and you keep on going anyways.  The internal struggle between your body wanting to quit and your mind wanting to finish strong is, for me, what CrossFit is all about.  Whether you let your body win and just let the clock wind down, or you force yourself to bust through that last painful round... that's what makes or breaks a WOD.  So the solution to Last Round Pain is obvious: PUSH THROUGH.  Get those reps in.  Push yourself.  Ignore your screaming muscles.  You can do anything for 90 seconds... just keep going.  A minute and a half of pain is so much less crappy than feeling discouraged all day because you bitched out at the end of your WOD.  Pain is just a sign that you're doing it right.  So keep doin' it!

Of course, there's also superficial mid-WOD pain... the pain you feel when you scrape the shit out of your shins with the dead lift bar, bruise the hell out of your forearms with a kettlebell during Turkish get-ups, or when a callous rips off of your hand mid-pull-up, leaving a gaping bloody hole in the flesh of your palm.  (This happened to me for the first time EVER this week... it was glorious.  I felt like a real CrossFitter at last.)  Scabs, scars, and bruises happen at the box.  And sometimes they hurt.  The solution: suck it up and wear that shit like a badge of honor.  Battle scars are badass.

Then there's legit injury pain.  I've only experienced this once at the box: when I was going for my dead lift max and let my form slip.  It happened so fast that I barely even had time to register what was going on; as soon as I went for it, I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my low back, like something had popped out of place and stayed there.  I tried to work through it and complete the WOD, but the more I did, the more it hurt.  Tammy, always the voice of reason, stopped me about halfway through and sent me to a quiet corner of the box to pout with a foam roller.  At the time, I was more distraught about having to write my first "DNF" in my WOD book than I was about the injury itself... but the following morning, when the pain was worse and my range of motion was terribly compromised, I began to worry that I might have done some serious damage by not listening to my body and stopping immediately after the injury occurred.  What if I had really hurt myself and had to miss days or even weeks worth of WODs, all because I was too stupid and stubborn to give up on one WOD?  Fortunately, I took the weekend off, and was able to work through the back pain the following week with no long-term effects.  However, I definitely learned my lesson about dealing with injury pain: STOP.  Be smart.  One DNF is a hell of a lot better than a month off with a back injury.  This is the one kind of pain you shouldn't try to push through.

Last but not least is the kind of pain that has essentially taken over my life: post-WOD soreness.  It's the nagging ache that starts to set in a few hours after the WOD ends, and progressively escalates throughout the day until you wake up the next morning feeling like a 90-year-old woman.  It's reaching up to a cabinet for the cereal box and realizing that it hurts to lift your arm over your head.  It's squatting down to pick something up and feeling every single thruster from the morning's ass-kicker of a WOD.  It's noticing little aches and pains with every movement and every action... a constant reminder of how hard you worked and how much your body hates you for it.  Call me a freak... but I absolutely love this kind of pain.  I love feeling sore after a brutal workout.  It makes me feel like I've accomplished something; the worse the day-after soreness, the better the WOD must have been.  After so many years of waking up and hating what I saw in the mirror, there is no better feeling than to crawl out of bed, hobble to the bathroom like a cripple, look in the mirror, and think, "I feel like walking death.  But I look awesome!"  So worth it.  The more it hurts, the better I feel.  The solution to post-WOD pain: return to box.  Turn it into warm-up pain.  Repeat process.  Feel badass.

CrossFit and pain are kind of synonymous.  The more time I spend at the box, the more true this statement becomes.  It never stops hurting.  In fact, it just hurts worse.  But I welcome the pain.  With pain comes change, and progress, and improvement, and strength.  RXing my WOD today even though it contained dreaded overhead squats... that hurt.  But you know what?  I couldn't have done it a month ago, or maybe even a week ago.  And as I lay here on my couch, covered from neck to knees in ice packs and eating Ibuprofen like candy, I wouldn't trade this pain for anything.  I earned it.  I'm proud of it.  And I want to enjoy every agonizing second of it.

Before I sign off for the evening to cheer on the Pens (is anyone else BEYOND STOKED to once again be able to say, "It's a HOCKEY NIGHT IN PITTSBURGH!!!"?), I feel the need to share this morning's small victory with the blogosphere, because I don't think most of my real life friends would appreciate it.  So, you've all read my endless bitching about my ongoing failure with pull ups.  Even with the biggest black band, I've never been able to do good ones.  I just suck at them.  So I was less than excited to walk into the box this morning and see that our pre-WOD skill practice for the day was none other than the dreaded pull up.  It didn't help that I was the only girl in a group of beastly strong men who all do pull ups like normal people breathe, so Tammy's full attention was on me... no cheating, no slacking.  I was even less excited when I tried to set up my box and trusty black band, and Tammy immediately took them away.  Whaaaat?  No black band?  The flimsy little green band she handed me might as well have been dental floss, as far as I was concerned... no way, no how.  But Tammy told me to just work on beat swings, to get used to the smaller band and work on activating my shoulders and core.  So I did as she instructed, and after flailing around awkwardly for a few minutes, I managed to get into a rhythm and get in a string of respectable beat swings.  So I decided, what the hell?  Might as well give this a shot... and I'll be damned if I didn't swing myself right up into my first ever good pull up!  I couldn't believe it.  I literally almost peed myself with shock and excitement.  Granted, it was still with a band, and I definitely couldn't have done several in a row... but I did it, no black band, no box.  It might not sound like much, but for me, it was a glorious victory of epic proportions.  I tried a few more times, and, using the beat swings to get my momentum, I was able to do two more pull ups with just the green band.  And it... felt... AMAZING!  And you know what?  I probably would have kept on using the black band forever if Tammy hadn't had more faith in me than I had in myself.  Sometimes a little faith is just what a person needs to break through their walls, and I'm incredibly thankful to have coaches who believe in me and encourage me to believe in myself.  This was the first day that I've seen significant progress in my pull ups, and it gave me some hope that someday, I might actually achieve my goal of getting unassisted pull ups.  And sometimes, a little bit of hope is all a girl needs to... wait for it...

...DO EPIC SHIT!!!!!
So, that's the plan.  Work hard.  Practice more.  Hurt more.  Get pull ups.  Do epic shit.  It's amazing how something as small as switching to a smaller band can totally renew my determination and drive.  I'm so ready to get back to the box tomorrow and have my ass kicked in the best possible way.  Progress is empowering, my friends... and I'm planning on putting that power to good use.  Bring on the pain!

The Suck Factor

Some days, I suck at CrossFit.

I'm not talking about the days where I struggle with a tough WOD, or can't handle the prescribed weight... I'm talking about really, truly sucking at a WOD.  Like, when my form on everything is embarrassingly bad, I feel painfully weak and slow, the weight that I rocked out the day before feels completely impossible to even get off the ground, and everything I do feels slow and painful and awkward.  Some days, I really just can't do anything right at the box, to the point where I walk out feeling like a big fat failure.

Today was one of those days.

I hadn't had one in awhile.  The past few weeks at the box have been some of the best I've ever had.  I was PRing on all of my lifts, improving my form on some of the more complicated movements, doing the prescribed weight in most of the WODs for the first time ever, and leaving the box every day feeling exhausted but enormously proud and accomplished.  Sure, there were days when I struggled, and some WODs that I was better at than others.  But for a few weeks there, I can honestly say that I felt pretty good about every single one of my workouts.  I was on a major roll and had some serious momentum going.

This week started out equally awesome.  I had a big front squat PR on Monday and actually felt like I made a little progress with my burpee pull ups by the end of the WOD.  Tuesday's killer of a WOD kicked my ass and took me forever, but I was proud of myself for sticking with the prescribed weight on kettle bell swings and walking overhead lunges even when my body was screaming for me to drop weight.  Wednesday started out great with a big breakthrough moment on my overhead squat max; I've struggled with my form on this lift from day one, but this week I finally felt like I got it and added 20lbs to my previous three-rep max.  I was stoked and ready to kick ass on the WOD.

The Wednesday WOD was a 20 minute AMRAP of 20 wall balls, 150m rows, 20 box jumps, and 10 hand stand push-ups.  I knew I'd need to modify the HSPUs, as I still don't have the upper body strength to do a real one, but I was feeling good about everything else and decided to go with the prescribed 14lb wall ball and 20-inch box.  As the countdown timer beeped away the last ten seconds before go time, I felt the familiar surge of adrenaline and excitement.. I was ready to rock this bitch!  3... 2... 1... I heard the buzzer, busted through my first 20 wall balls, killed my first row, and started on my box jumps.

And then I died.

Well, obviously I didn't really die.  But I totally hit a wall unlike anything I'd ever felt before.  My legs didn't want to work.  My 20" box might as well have been a skyscraper.  My 14-pound wall ball felt like lead.  Even with the modification, my arms felt like they were going to give out on every increasingly pathetic attempt at HSPUs.  It was the most bizarre sensation... like my body just completely stopped listening to my brain, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't make it do what I wanted.  By the end of 20 minutes, I was a full two rounds behind everyone else, my entire body was shaking, and I literally felt like I was going to pass out for the first time since that God-awful Elements class.  It was horrible.

That pretty much answered my question regarding the need for rest days.  There have been WODs where I've felt completely and utterly drained by the end (most of them, actually)... but the sensation of legitimate fatigue was a new one for me and not one I ever hope to have again.  Tammy suggested (aka instructed in no uncertain terms) that I take a rest day, and this time, I listened.

Yesterday, I did absolutely nothing.  I came home from work in the morning, slept most of the day, took my dogs to the dog park instead of going for a run, and then slept some more.  So when I got up to go to the box this morning, I anticipated feeling well-rested and revived and ready to kick some ass.

But alas, there was no ass-kicking to be had today.  As soon as we started warming up, I just knew it wasn't going to be a good morning, and it never got any better.  I managed to hit but not exceed my previous bench press five-rep max, but the WOD was a disaster.  21-15-9 squat cleans and dips, followed by 40-30-20-10 rows for calories and double unders.  I was slow.  My form was horrible.  I had to drop down in weight halfway through my 21 squat cleans.  I didn't manage a single successful double under.  Everything felt crappy.  For the first time in a long time, I left the box this morning feeling discouraged and frustrated.

I don't know what causes these Suck Days.  Sometimes it seems to be physical: I'm more tired or sore than usual, lack of sleep, poor nutrition the day before, etc.  Other days, I think it's all in my head; sometimes as soon as I see the whiteboard, if my head isn't in the right place, I totally psych myself out before the WOD even starts, and other times I get frustrated mid-WOD if I'm struggling with something I'm usually good at.  Some days, the WOD seems to be designed specifically for my failure, combining all of my weakest movements into one suckfest of a workout.  Some days, I think all of the above come together to cause the Suck Factor to reach orange-alert levels.

Today, I think it was a little of everything.  I felt stiff and tired even after my rest day, and as soon as I saw squat cleans on the whiteboard, I got rattled.  You see, cleans and I have a rather unpleasant history.  I have never been able to do them correctly.  Not because I am not physically strong enough (as is the case with my other nemesis, the evil pull up), but because I simply can not master the technique.  I've tried.  I've practiced with PVC pipes and with an unloaded bar, both at the box and in my basement.  I've watched countless videos and read countless tutorials.  Tammy has tried again and again to help me figure these bitches out.  I know, in theory, exactly how a proper clean is supposed to look.  But for whatever reason, there is some disconnect between my brain and my body that prevents me from figuring out how to make it look like it should.  I just... can't... do... cleans.

The little drawn man makes it look so damn simple...

This is ridiculously frustrating for me.  You see, I've always been a fast learner.  I'm not saying this in a pompous asshole kind of way, but it's just sort of a fact.  I was that person who everyone hated in high school and college because I could ace tests and maintain good grades while barely cracking a book.  This gift is most likely a combination of inheriting book smarts from my intelligent parents (sadly, none of us have a damn bit of common sense... but we can rock an IQ test!), and unprecedented bullshitting skills.  I can BS my way through pretty much any test, paper, debate, or assignment that you put in front of me.  I attribute much of my academic success through high school and two rounds of college to this ability (which, coincidentally, allowed me enough spare time to pursue minors in alcohol consumption and football fandom at Virginia Tech... both of which have come in far more handy in real life than my Animal Science degree.  But I digress.)  In short, I'm not used to NOT being able to figure something out.  And if I can't figure it out, I can almost always figure out how to BS my way through it.

Sadly, my arsenal of bullshitting skills have been completely useless in the realm of physical fitness.  Because, as much as I wish I could, you can't bullshit your way to a good squat clean.  You either can do it, or you can't.  And I can't.  And it pisses me off more than I can possibly explain without a multitude of obscenities.  Some days, I feel like I'm getting close.  And other days, like today, I'm just glad no one has a camera handy to immortalize the epic fail-fest.

So today, I suffered from the losing combination of not feeling well, a lift that I can't master, and a less-than-stellar mindset as a result.  This combo created a highly elevated Suck Factor in my workout, which in turn resulted in an even suckier attitude post-workout.  And the worst part is, my suck days usually come in clumps of multi-day suckfests... in which case, this most recent bout of suck is likely just beginning.

I know that everyone has crappy days... no one is awesome at everything, every day, all the time.  I think my problem, though, is how hard I am on myself when I have those crappy days.  I get cranky.  I pout.  I occasionally kick things.  It pretty much throws off my entire day.

Today, as I was pouting about my crappy WOD and feeling cranky about life in general, I decided to try to redeem myself with a run.  I took a route that I hadn't run in awhile: I ran from my house, through Harmony, into Zelienople, and down Main Street to the Passavant Retirement Community.  I used to run this route almost daily, when my grandmother lived in skilled nursing at the retirement home.  I would run to her building, visit with her for awhile, then jog or walk back home.  My grandma was pretty much my favorite person on the planet, so between the run and the visit, there was nothing life could throw at me that a morning spent this way couldn't fix.  My grandma passed away this summer, and I stopped running the "Grandma Route" because it made me sad.  But for whatever reason, that's where my feet took me today.

As I ran past the nursing home for the first time since May, I started thinking about something that my grandmother used to tell me... something that can be applied to CrossFit, as well as to pretty much everything else in life.  After a crappy day a at school or a loss at an important horse show, she would tell me:  There will always be bad days.  Sometimes, days are bad because of things you can control, and sometimes because of things you can't.  But one thing you can always control is your reaction to those bad days.

(Grandma also taught me the healing powers of Jagermeister, so I wasn't about to question her wisdom on this one.)

I've set a lot of goals so far this year for things I want to accomplish with my body: get a pull up, master double unders, survive half marathon, etc.  But maybe it is just as important to set some mental goals for myself as well.  And some of those goals need to address my reaction to my sucky days.  So, with a nod to the wise and wonderful Grandma Helen, I've come up with a few belated New Years resolutions:

1) Embrace the suck.

This is a phrase I've heard Tammy use, and one I've even quoted in this very blog.  But I'm going to stop preaching it and start living it.  No one is awesome every day.  Everyone has weaknesses, and things with which they struggle.  Instead of pouting about my weaknesses, I'm going to start viewing them as opportunities for improvement.  And no matter how miserable I feel or how disappointed I am with myself after a WOD, I'm going to keep in mind another wise Tammy-ism: no matter how badly you think you suck, the person who's sitting on the couch because they're afraid to try, sucks way worse than you do.

2) Learn from the suck.

I plan to start paying more attention to my days of high Suck Factor, rather than just pouting about them.  How did I feel going into the workout?  Did I get any sleep the night before?  Did I remember to eat something in the morning?  Was there a particular movement or lift that was giving me trouble, or was it just general all-around suckage?  By identifying factors that play into my suckfests, I have a chance to control those factors in the future and thus (hopefully) reduce the frequency of said suckage.

3) Find motivation in the suck.

The truth is, there was a time not so long ago when I sucked at everything.  When I started CrossFit, I couldn't do so much as an air squat correctly.  Part of the fun and excitement of this sport is learning, improving, and mastering things you never thought you could do.  In September, I had a passionate hatred for front squats.  I couldn't get my elbows up or my ass down, and I was pretty convinced that my wrists were never going to bend that way.  Fast forward to present day: front squats are one of my very favorite lifts.  I love when they are in a WOD, and I will never forget the day that they finally "clicked" for me and felt right for the first time.  So what if cleans are taking me longer to figure out?  That just means it will be even more satisfying when I finally get it right.  Instead of letting a disappointing WOD defeat me, I need to use that disappointment as motivation to work harder, practice more, and focus on turning my weaknesses into strengths.

4) Forget the suck.

Learn from it... then get over it.  I need to quit dwelling on my bad workouts and beating myself up over them.  Tomorrow is a new day, a new WOD, and a new set of challenges to overcome.  That's the cool thing about CrossFit: there's a new opportunity for a different kind of suck every day!

That is my rant for the day.  After much debate, I've decided to skip run group tomorrow so that I can go to Primal Mayhem at the box in the morning in an effort to redeem today's WOD of suck.  A little birdie (aka Facebook) has told me to dress warm and be ready to run, so I can't even imagine what kind of shenanigans the coaches have up their sleeves this week.  If anyone is free Sunday morning and wants to join me for my make-up run (5.5 miles this week, I think), let me know... I would love the company.  Any time between 8am and 10am works for me.  Location is flexible.  Fast people need not apply.

It takes an army...

The response I've had to this blog has been completely, awesomely overwhelming.  I've gotten so many Facebook messages and emails from people who can relate to my journey, people who have struggled with weight themselves and overcome those struggles, and people who are just now starting to make changes towards a healthier lifestyle.  It is amazing to know that some of the biggest badasses I've ever met, have similar stories to my own... I've loved hearing these stories, learning what inspired these people to change their lives, and hearing how they accomplished their goals.  I've also loved the incredible outpouring of support and encouragement I've received from friends and strangers alike as a result of my ramblings.  You guys sure know how to make a girl feel awesome!

However, I fear that you all are giving me way too much credit.  No journey of this magnitude can be successfully undertaken alone.  They say it takes an army... and in my war against fat and fear, I've been fortunate enough to have a truly incredible support group helping me through every step of the way.  These people deserve much of the credit for inspiring me, encouraging me, teaching me, and pushing me to be my best.  In the spirit of giving credit where credit is due, I've decided to use some of my blog posts to recognize the people who have helped to make my recent accomplishments possible.

In future posts, I will talk about some of the individuals who have been particularly influential over the past year.  But today, I want to discuss some of the local businesses that have made this whole adventure possible.  For a fitness novice like me, surrounding myself with knowledgeable professionals has made all the difference, and these businesses have provided me with the tools (and skills) to succeed.  Today, I'm going to tell you a little bit about some local pros who have been absolutely invaluable to me, along with contact information in case any of you are local and want to check them out for yourself.

(Disclaimer:  I am not professionally affiliated with any of the following businesses, and have no financial connection to them, unless you count giving them a shit ton of my money every month.  I am solely promoting these businesses because I think they are awesome.)


CrossFit TPA at The Primal Athlete

Duh.  You totally knew this was coming.  I know I've dedicated a great deal of time to singing the praises of this amazing business... hell, this blog might as well be one giant love letter to CrossFit TPA.  I've talked at length about why TPA has been great for me.  Today, though, I'd like to talk about why this box is great, period.

From an outsider perspective, CrossFit can come across as elitist and unattainable; a sport reserved for top athletes in their physical prime.  We hear horror stories and see intimidating photos in fitness magazines.  We see the CrossFit Games on TV and immediately think, "Holy shit.  I can never do that."  We tend to associate CrossFit with brute Chuck-Norrisesque strength, and automatically toss it into the "pipe dream" pile when sorting out fitness options.  Trust me, I know.  That was me for a long time.

But the coaches at CrossFit TPA have changed all of that for me.  When I was going through my "waffle phase" (my name for the period of several months that I spent waffling between desperately wanting to try CrossFit and being completely and utterly scared shitless by the very thought of it), I frequently stalked the TPA website to read about the WODs and to try to get a better idea of what the place was all about.  I was particularly drawn to the slogan on the webpage: something along the lines of, "CrossFit is for everyone... even you!"  Every time I saw that, I felt a glimmer of hope.  And then, inevitably, a picture of Jeannie doing something impossible would flash across the screen, all muscle and strength and total badassness, and dash that hope into a million tiny particles of FAIL.  I DECLARE BULLSHIT!  "Everyone" can NOT DO THAT!!!

When I finally got up the nerve to call Tammy, I told her that I wanted to try CrossFit, but was afraid of being the fat old person among a bunch of buff 20-something studs.  She laughed at me and told me to show up anyways, assuring me that there were all kinds of people at the box, and promising that no one would make fun of me.

Over time, I learned that she couldn't have been more correct.  I wasn't even close to being the oldest person at the box, and while I was easily the fattest person there, I was thrilled to find myself working out with people of all ages, all at different points in their fitness journey.  I have WODed with everyone from college students to a 70-year-old grandmother (who, by the way, seriously kicks ass and amazes me endlessly), and with everyone from the impossibly badass Jeannie to people like myself: just starting out and struggling with the most basic of movements.  The more people I met, the more I started to believe the slogan on the website... maybe anyone can do CrossFit.  Maybe even me!

That is the amazing thing about CrossFit TPA.  It makes CrossFit accessible to anyone willing to put in the work, without dumbing it down.  The coaches, Tammy, Tricia, and Julie, are wonderful at helping people scale and modify every workout to accommodate the individual's abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and overall level of fitness.  They don't expect everyone to be able to do a pull-up, string together double unders, or do the prescribed weight in every WOD.  They do, however, expect you to show up ready to give every workout everything you've got.  They expect you to push yourself every day, to test your limits, and to attempt the things that scare you, even if you suck at them.  They expect 100%.  But in return, they give back 110%.  I have taken a lot of different fitness classes and worked with many different kinds of coaches, but I've never met anyone who cares so deeply about the success of each and every client as the coaches at TPA care about ours.  They get as excited about our PRs and accomplishments as we do.  They are right there next to us, encouraging us through every tough lift, instructing us through every complicated movement, reassuring us through every setback, and celebrating with us through every victory.  They have been so indescribably instrumental in every aspect of my journey, providing me with advice on everything from nutrition to crosstraining to facing my fears.  Tammy is the first to call me out when my attitude is crappy, and when I get discouraged and too hard on myself, she is always the first to put things in perspective and remind me how far I've come.  These women are so incredibly kind and selfless.  They give up weekends with their families to attend an endless string of clinics and certifications, all so that they can bring the newest and best information back to the box and incorporate it into our training.  They show up sick, injured (spotting my bench press while on crutches = serious dedication), and undoubtedly exhausted, but never give us any less than their best.  They are strong, positive, ambitious women, and they make me want to be strong, positive, and ambitious as well.

I guess it should come as no surprise that three incredible women would create an equally incredible community, but I am still amazed every day by the wonderful group of people at the box.  I've talked about this at length, but I really can't say it enough:  TPA is so much more than a box.  It really is a family.  No one leaves the box until everyone has finished their WOD, and the last to finish is the one with the loudest cheering squad.  Everyone encourages everyone else, which really does make more of a difference than you think.  Just the other day, I was going for my 3-rep front squat max, and after barely succeeding at 155, I knew that if I didn't try for 160, I would spend all day kicking myself for not at least attempting it.  The first rep at 160 went okay; the second was shaky.  When I got down in my squat for rep three, I honestly didn't think I'd be able to get back up.  I was ready to drop the bar and call it a day, when I heard a chorus of encouragement... I realized that everyone else had put their bars down and were watching me, cheering me on and doing everything they could to help me short of actually picking up the bar for me.  It was just the extra push I needed to finish my last rep, and I got my PR with a little lot of help from my friends.  If any of you are skeptically thinking, "There's no way in hell that a cheering section can make that much difference in a lift,"  I highly encourage you to stop by the box and watch a WOD.  You'd be amazed how much the attitude and atmosphere around you can impact your workout.  At TPA, there is no competition and no judgement.  Just a bunch of like-minded people encouraging each other to push their hardest and be their best selves.

Another thing I love about the box:  we have FUN.  They say the family that plays together, stays together... and I think we are a pretty good example of that theory.  That's not to say that we don't take our workouts seriously, because we do.  There are some seriously hardcore athletes at the box, and we all know that once the timer starts, it's time to work.  But there is plenty of comic relief to keep us all from getting too serious.  We do things like Tiny Tim races, CrossFit Dodgeball, and post-WOD mimosas for NYE.  Our Christmas party was the rowdiest good time you could ever hope to have in an athletic facility (and the after party was even rowdier... but we won't talk about that), complete with a pretty incredible mojito station and people doing box jumps in heels and sparkly holiday attire.  The time we spend together outside of the WODs has created an incredible sense of team and community that carries over into the WODs, and I think that makes all of us just a little bit stronger.

I can't say enough good things about CrossFit TPA, the coaches, or the people who work out there.  It really is just an incredibly special place that has changed so many lives for the absolute better.  I could talk about my love for this place all day, but you really can't understand it until you see it for yourself.

If you're ready to change your life, change your body, and meet some of the best people on the planet, I highly encourage you to check out CrossFit TPA.  The first step towards becoming a TPA athlete is to contact Tammy and set up your CrossFit Prep class.  Prep has replaced the Elements course I talked about in my first post.  It is now a 6-class series, during which you will get to know the coaches, learn the movements, and complete a "mini-WOD" at the end of each class to put your new skills to work.  The first class is free, so you have absolutely nothing to lose by giving it a try.  If you like your first class (which you will), the cost for the remainder of the prep course, to my knowledge, is $70.  That's it.  That's all it costs to change your life forever.  When you get completely hooked by the end of the prep course (which you will), there are several payment options for continuing on with your WODing, the most popular of which are a punch card and a monthly unlimited program.

If you are interested, check out the website here!
It is my understanding that the website is down today, but it should be up and running shortly, so be sure to check back.  Also, follow them on Twitter and/or like them on Facebook for more information and updates.  The next prep class starts January 22, and is filling up quickly... so hurry up, give Tammy a call, and get your ass to the box.  I promise, you won't regret it.


Mojo Running and Multisport

A part of my story that I left out of my first post, in an effort to maintain semi-reasonable length:  I actually attempted to start running back in January, during my "birthday month" before my designated diet/exercise start date of February 8th.  After my birthday and that awful morning after with the photographs, I decided to get a head start and hit the pavement.  A few days after the party, I went to Dick's Sporting Goods in Cranberry, where an employee who couldn't have been older than 16 helped me to select a "really cute" pair of running shoes.  I had Googled a Couch to 5K program, and my goal was to be able to run the Harmony Shamrock Shuffle two months later, so I figured I should get started ASAP.

So I did.  I actually managed to survive day 1 of the C25K program fairly successfully (i.e., I didn't die and only cried twice).  But the next morning, I noticed a significant ache in both of my knees.  Shrugging it off as typical day-after-workout pain, I went out again that afternoon, dutifully performing the assigned short periods of jogging alternating with walking.  Again, I woke up the following day with bilateral knee pain, this time even worse.  By the end of the first week of the program, I literally couldn't get out of bed on mornings after my runs.  Recognizing that this was more than your typical post-workout achiness, I paid a visit to Dr. Gold, who sent me to an orthopedist.  X-rays showed that there was no significant injury, but showed some crappy anatomy that, combined with my obesity, was causing the bones in my knee to rub against each other with movement, which evidently was exacerbated by running.

At ortho's suggestion, I went through three rounds of very painful (and very expensive) knee injections to replace the synovial fluid in my knees with some synthetic crap to give me more cushioning between the bones in the knees.  Much to my dismay, these injections did absolutely NOTHING.  When I approached the orthopedist about the complete and utter failure of a month's paycheck's worth of synthetic joint fluid that he'd jammed into my legs, his response was: "Well, as you lose weight, there will be less stress on your joints, and you may notice the effects of the injections more then."

Well, thanks, ass hat, but how the hell am I supposed to lose weight if I can't exercise?

For the last week of January and the beginning of February, I pretty much gave up on running.  It was just too painful.  I ended up buying an elliptical machine (shudder... I know.  Please don't judge me), which I put in the basement and used a few times a week.  It didn't hurt my knees, but I hated it with a burning passion.  I wanted to be outside, with my dogs, with views of the creek and the woods, not views of my basement and Jim playing Xbox across the room in his man cave.

On February 8th, when I stepped on the scale and recommitted to making healthy changes in my life, I thought back a few weeks to a conversation I'd had with a coworker, who was an avid runner and said that she had recently been fitted by a professional for running shoes for the first time, and couldn't believe what a difference it had made.  After two miserable weeks of hating my life on the elliptical machine, I was ready to try just about anything.  A quick Google search led me to Mojo Running and Multisport in Seven Fields.

Thank goodness for Google, because Mojo played an ENORMOUS part in kickstarting my weight loss journey.  On February 8th, I met Jenn.  My glorious, magnificent genius of a shoe fairy godmother.  On the wall above the shoe display at Mojo, it says: "A single shoe can change your life forever. -- Cinderella."

True.  Friggin.  Story.

Jenn was able to tell me exactly what was wrong with the shoes I was wearing (too neutral), exactly what my problem was (I pronated horribly), and exactly what I needed (a nice cushy support shoe) just from watching me walk into the store.  Bippity boppity boo, just like that.  I'm telling you, she's magical.  Within 20 minutes of walking through the door, I was walking back out  in my brand new Brooks Adrenaline GTSs, ready to give the running thing another shot. 

Yep.  Life changed by a shoe.  I never would have imagined that a pair of shoes could almost eliminate the knee pain that thousands of dollars worth of ortho visits hadn't touched, but sure enough, I woke up the morning after run day #1 with nothing but a very manageable ache in my knees.  VICTORY!  I've been running ever since, with minimal knee problems.

If I hadn't discovered Mojo, and if Jenn hadn't waved her magic wand of awesomeness and fixed my knees, I probably never would have gotten fit enough to feel ready to try CrossFit.  I would probably still be in my basement on my elliptical machine.  Or, worse yet, I would have given up out of sheer boredom and gone back to a life of fast food and sedentary existence, with the excuse of "my knees won't hold up" cushioning my bruised ego.

Thankfully, though, I did discover Mojo, and Jenn did fix my knees, so this fairy tale gets a happy ending after all.  Over the past year, I've been through about a million pairs of shoes, always from Mojo.  They helped me find a perfect trail shoe that offered enough support for my knees without giving up a good feel of the trail (Inov8s with SuperFeet inserts, if you were wondering... awesome!), and as my body has changed month to month, Jenn has helped me change my shoe selection accordingly.  (Now running in Adizeros, a more neutral shoe, while still occassionally rotating in my Brooks for hard surface running.)  Having the right footwear has been absolutely instrumental, and I think all of us in the area are lucky to have people with the knowledge and experience of the Mojo crew around to help us with our shoe needs.

And it's not just shoes.  Oh, how my wallet wishes it was just shoes.  Mojo also carries the most glorious selection of running gear imaginable.  I'm not a brand whore, but I'm afraid I will never again be able to run in Walmart capris after experiencing the luxuriously awesome items I can't resist purchasing every time I go to Mojo.  They also have enough fun accessories and useful gadgets to keep a girl entertained for hours.  Between the amazing products and the awesome staff (all of whom, from my experience, are super knowledgeable and helpful like Jenn), this place is a must-visit for any serious athlete.

In addition to quality goods and a fantastic employees, Mojo also offers a great sense of community and a wonderful group of dedicated followers.  They offer a regular Wednesday night run group, a Couch to 5K program that I wish I'd been brave enough to take advantage of at the beginning, and a Half Marathon/Marathon training group that I recently started and am enjoying immensely.  I have met a lot of really awesome people through Mojo, and am looking forward to becoming a more active part of their community in the future.

If you live around here or have plans to visit the area any time soon, I highly recommend that you take your running needs to this fantastic local business.  You could make the same mistake I made: namely, buying running shoes from a minimum-wage-paid high school student at a big chain store whose only selling point was, "They look really cute with jeans!" (because I run in jeans so frequently, obviously)... or, you can support a small business, get a great product, and be assured fantastic service at Mojo.  Your call.

Check them out!  The website contains a wealth of information about the staff, products, and services offered at Mojo.  Happy shopping!


Salt Power Yoga

So, let me preface this particular review by stating that I know absolutely NOTHING about yoga.  Prior to my initial visit to Salt, my yoga experience consisted of a limited selection of home yoga DVDs.  And by limited, I mean I had exactly two: a Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga DVD (which I have dubbed "Yoga for Fat People"), and a Yoga For the Rest of Us DVD (which I have dubbed "yoga for old people").  I've been hearing for years about the physical and mental benefits of yoga, but neither of the DVDs did anything for me.  Yoga for Old People was so painfully slow-moving and simplified that even my former fat self became bored with it almost immediately.  Yoga for Fat People might have been a decent workout, but something about listening to Bob's overly chippy attempts at motivation kind of killed the whole Zen aspect of yoga by making me want to punch him in his smug face.  (I am not terribly fond of Bob, if you haven't gathered.)  Definitely not a yoga fan.

So when I first heard Jenn from Mojo mention to my training group that hot yoga was a great crosstraining method for runners due to the benefits of increased core strength, I didn't think much of it.  I'll stick with CrossFit, thankyouverymuch... my core gets its ass kicked plenty there without any dogs of the upward or downward variety.  But when my friend Lynn asked me to join her for an Elements class at Salt, I kind of owed it to her; she had just survived her first brutal CrossFit WOD at my urging, so I figured one yoga class (session? practice? I'm still not sure of the lingo) was the least I could do in return.  So I signed up for the class, dug my dusty yoga mat out of the basement, and decided to go into it with an open mind.

Power yoga at Salt was nothing like Yoga for Fat People or Yoga for Old People.  Rather than holding obnoxious poses for what felt like hours on end, I was constantly moving, which made it feel like a real workout.  And the heat (a sweaty 85-100 degrees, depending on the class) wasn't nearly as horrible as I anticipated.  In fact, I felt like it allowed me to get deeper into my poses and increased my flexibility.  Not gonna lie, I was completely thrown off by the "Omm"-ing, the relaxation business at the end, and the weird eye pillows.  But by the time I left the studio, I felt like a giant bendy rubber band, and despite my prior skepticism, I really did feel calmer and more centered.  Overall, I was pleasantly surprised with the experience, and signed up for an introductory deal: $30 for 30 days of unlimited sessions.

Being the cheapskate that I am, I was dead set on getting my money's worth over the course of those 30 days, and went to Salt about a dozen times last month.  The more I go, the more I like it.  I still can't quite get on board with the "Omm"-ing, some of the language still sounds more like Swedish obscenities than names for yoga poses (Utkatasana?  Really?  That sounds like something I would shout at my husband when he leaves the toilet seat up), and I still tend to prefer forms of exercise that encourage (or at least allow) cursing and loud music.  But I'm definitely coming around.  I do feel like it has a calming effect on me, and I have noticed improvements in my flexibility that have carried over into a few of my CrossFit movements.  I am especially fond of Friday evening Happy Hour: an hour-long session complete with tunes, a fast pace, and post-session wine.  It's a good time, a great workout, and all of the procedes go to charity.

Like I said, I know nothing whatsoever about yoga, so I really couldn't tell you the difference between a good yoga studio and a crappy one.  But some of my observations about Salt are as follows: it's always clean.  It provides a great, calming atmosphere.  Sessions start and end on time.  They provide mats, mat towels, and blocks so you don't have to worry about carting your own around if you don't feel like it.  I always leave feeling better than when I arrived (albeit sweatier).  They have a super easy online sign-up process.  And while I have no basis for comparison other than Smug Bob, all of the instructors (teachers? Yogis? Jedi masters?) that I've met seem to be very competent, friendly, and welcoming.  In my totally unexpert opinion, it's a great place.  I would recommend it to anyone looking for a sweaty workout with awesome relaxing mental benefits.  I don't think I'll ever be nearly as enthusiastic about yoga as I am about CrossFit, but I definitely have enjoyed getting salty with several of my friends who have also hopped on the hot yoga bandwagon.

Final assessment: if yoga is your thing, or if yoga totally isn't your thing but you want to try something new and different, I recommend checking out Salt Power Yoga.  Like the above businesses, they also have a Facebook page, and are pretty good about keeping it updated with upcoming events.  Good stuff.


Venture Outdoors

I think this is the only organization that I have not mentioned at least once in my blog thus far, but it is a fantastic one that has had a big impact on my fitness adventures thus far.  Venture Outdoors is a Pittsburgh-based non-profit organization whose mission is simple: connecting people to the outdoors.  They provide low-cost, high-quality public programs including kayaking, hiking, biking, rock climbing, snowshoeing, fishing, cross country skiing, canoeing, geocaching, and any number of other fun outdoor activities throughout the year.  Annual membership is only $30 and gets you first availability and discounted admission to activities, but non-members can get in on the fun as well.  Activities are available for all different fitness and experience levels, and allow the people of Pittsburgh, so many of who spend way too much time cooped up in an office, a chance to get outside and enjoy all that our region has to offer.

This is a cause near and dear to my own heart.  I've always loved the outdoors.  Even when I was a fatty, I was totally in love with hiking, kayaking, whitewater rafting, and camping.  Up until recently, most of my friends were more the indoor type, so it was always a struggle to find someone to go on such adventures with me.  Venture Outdoors has provided me with an affordable way to enjoy the outdoors, meet people with similar interests, and get some fresh air with minimal planning required on my part.  It's perfect for my busy life, and is a really cool way to try out new sports and activities without making a massive financial or time commitment.

I first got involved with VO when I was training for the Oyster Race.  Prior to my Oyster preparation, the last bike I'd been on had had one speed and streamers in the handlebars... and I was probably wearing neon scrunch socks and rocking a crimped side pony tail.  I was terribly out of practice and knew I needed to log some serious miles on my bike, but I didn't have anyone nearby to bike with me.  So I signed up for my first Beginner City Bike Ride through VO, advertised as an easy 12-15 mile ride around the city at an easy pace.  The ride was awesome, the guide was personable and knowledgeable, and the other bikers were a fun bunch.  I enjoyed myself immensely, and started signing up for other bikes and hikes.  I quickly got hooked on the great atmosphere and fun-loving people associated with all of VO's events, and have enjoyed being an active member ever since.

There are all sorts of things coming up on the Venture Outdoors activity calendar that I'm dying to try: snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, rock climbing, new hikes, and overnight hiking/biking/camping trips that sound like the perfect way to spend a weekend.  Some especially awesome-sounding upcoming adventures: a North Country Beer Tasting Hike, a Doggie Snowshoe Trek, and a North Side Urban Fitness Hike.  For those of you with kids, there are also programs specially designed for kids and families.  There really is something for everyone.

Check out the website here, and a calendar of upcoming events here!


Okay, I think I'm done submitting shameless plugs for my favorite local businesses now.  Go check them out and give them your money.  I'm getting ready to head to the box, but since the dreaded camera has not many many recent appearances at the box and I'm short on up to date fitness-related photography, I will leave you with the following shot of my ridiculously fuzzy, filthy, ancient, and adorable old horse.  Just because he is my favorite and I love that face. :-)  Have a good day, friends!

Good morning!