I'm not talking about the days where I struggle with a tough WOD, or can't handle the prescribed weight... I'm talking about really, truly sucking at a WOD. Like, when my form on everything is embarrassingly bad, I feel painfully weak and slow, the weight that I rocked out the day before feels completely impossible to even get off the ground, and everything I do feels slow and painful and awkward. Some days, I really just can't do anything right at the box, to the point where I walk out feeling like a big fat failure.
Today was one of those days.
I hadn't had one in awhile. The past few weeks at the box have been some of the best I've ever had. I was PRing on all of my lifts, improving my form on some of the more complicated movements, doing the prescribed weight in most of the WODs for the first time ever, and leaving the box every day feeling exhausted but enormously proud and accomplished. Sure, there were days when I struggled, and some WODs that I was better at than others. But for a few weeks there, I can honestly say that I felt pretty good about every single one of my workouts. I was on a major roll and had some serious momentum going.
This week started out equally awesome. I had a big front squat PR on Monday and actually felt like I made a little progress with my burpee pull ups by the end of the WOD. Tuesday's killer of a WOD kicked my ass and took me forever, but I was proud of myself for sticking with the prescribed weight on kettle bell swings and walking overhead lunges even when my body was screaming for me to drop weight. Wednesday started out great with a big breakthrough moment on my overhead squat max; I've struggled with my form on this lift from day one, but this week I finally felt like I got it and added 20lbs to my previous three-rep max. I was stoked and ready to kick ass on the WOD.
The Wednesday WOD was a 20 minute AMRAP of 20 wall balls, 150m rows, 20 box jumps, and 10 hand stand push-ups. I knew I'd need to modify the HSPUs, as I still don't have the upper body strength to do a real one, but I was feeling good about everything else and decided to go with the prescribed 14lb wall ball and 20-inch box. As the countdown timer beeped away the last ten seconds before go time, I felt the familiar surge of adrenaline and excitement.. I was ready to rock this bitch! 3... 2... 1... I heard the buzzer, busted through my first 20 wall balls, killed my first row, and started on my box jumps.
And then I died.
Well, obviously I didn't really die. But I totally hit a wall unlike anything I'd ever felt before. My legs didn't want to work. My 20" box might as well have been a skyscraper. My 14-pound wall ball felt like lead. Even with the modification, my arms felt like they were going to give out on every increasingly pathetic attempt at HSPUs. It was the most bizarre sensation... like my body just completely stopped listening to my brain, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't make it do what I wanted. By the end of 20 minutes, I was a full two rounds behind everyone else, my entire body was shaking, and I literally felt like I was going to pass out for the first time since that God-awful Elements class. It was horrible.
That pretty much answered my question regarding the need for rest days. There have been WODs where I've felt completely and utterly drained by the end (most of them, actually)... but the sensation of legitimate fatigue was a new one for me and not one I ever hope to have again. Tammy suggested (aka instructed in no uncertain terms) that I take a rest day, and this time, I listened.
Yesterday, I did absolutely nothing. I came home from work in the morning, slept most of the day, took my dogs to the dog park instead of going for a run, and then slept some more. So when I got up to go to the box this morning, I anticipated feeling well-rested and revived and ready to kick some ass.
But alas, there was no ass-kicking to be had today. As soon as we started warming up, I just knew it wasn't going to be a good morning, and it never got any better. I managed to hit but not exceed my previous bench press five-rep max, but the WOD was a disaster. 21-15-9 squat cleans and dips, followed by 40-30-20-10 rows for calories and double unders. I was slow. My form was horrible. I had to drop down in weight halfway through my 21 squat cleans. I didn't manage a single successful double under. Everything felt crappy. For the first time in a long time, I left the box this morning feeling discouraged and frustrated.
I don't know what causes these Suck Days. Sometimes it seems to be physical: I'm more tired or sore than usual, lack of sleep, poor nutrition the day before, etc. Other days, I think it's all in my head; sometimes as soon as I see the whiteboard, if my head isn't in the right place, I totally psych myself out before the WOD even starts, and other times I get frustrated mid-WOD if I'm struggling with something I'm usually good at. Some days, the WOD seems to be designed specifically for my failure, combining all of my weakest movements into one suckfest of a workout. Some days, I think all of the above come together to cause the Suck Factor to reach orange-alert levels.
Today, I think it was a little of everything. I felt stiff and tired even after my rest day, and as soon as I saw squat cleans on the whiteboard, I got rattled. You see, cleans and I have a rather unpleasant history. I have never been able to do them correctly. Not because I am not physically strong enough (as is the case with my other nemesis, the evil pull up), but because I simply can not master the technique. I've tried. I've practiced with PVC pipes and with an unloaded bar, both at the box and in my basement. I've watched countless videos and read countless tutorials. Tammy has tried again and again to help me figure these bitches out. I know, in theory, exactly how a proper clean is supposed to look. But for whatever reason, there is some disconnect between my brain and my body that prevents me from figuring out how to make it look like it should. I just... can't... do... cleans.
The little drawn man makes it look so damn simple...
This is ridiculously frustrating for me. You see, I've always been a fast learner. I'm not saying this in a pompous asshole kind of way, but it's just sort of a fact. I was that person who everyone hated in high school and college because I could ace tests and maintain good grades while barely cracking a book. This gift is most likely a combination of inheriting book smarts from my intelligent parents (sadly, none of us have a damn bit of common sense... but we can rock an IQ test!), and unprecedented bullshitting skills. I can BS my way through pretty much any test, paper, debate, or assignment that you put in front of me. I attribute much of my academic success through high school and two rounds of college to this ability (which, coincidentally, allowed me enough spare time to pursue minors in alcohol consumption and football fandom at Virginia Tech... both of which have come in far more handy in real life than my Animal Science degree. But I digress.) In short, I'm not used to NOT being able to figure something out. And if I can't figure it out, I can almost always figure out how to BS my way through it.
Sadly, my arsenal of bullshitting skills have been completely useless in the realm of physical fitness. Because, as much as I wish I could, you can't bullshit your way to a good squat clean. You either can do it, or you can't. And I can't. And it pisses me off more than I can possibly explain without a multitude of obscenities. Some days, I feel like I'm getting close. And other days, like today, I'm just glad no one has a camera handy to immortalize the epic fail-fest.
So today, I suffered from the losing combination of not feeling well, a lift that I can't master, and a less-than-stellar mindset as a result. This combo created a highly elevated Suck Factor in my workout, which in turn resulted in an even suckier attitude post-workout. And the worst part is, my suck days usually come in clumps of multi-day suckfests... in which case, this most recent bout of suck is likely just beginning.
I know that everyone has crappy days... no one is awesome at everything, every day, all the time. I think my problem, though, is how hard I am on myself when I have those crappy days. I get cranky. I pout. I occasionally kick things. It pretty much throws off my entire day.
Today, as I was pouting about my crappy WOD and feeling cranky about life in general, I decided to try to redeem myself with a run. I took a route that I hadn't run in awhile: I ran from my house, through Harmony, into Zelienople, and down Main Street to the Passavant Retirement Community. I used to run this route almost daily, when my grandmother lived in skilled nursing at the retirement home. I would run to her building, visit with her for awhile, then jog or walk back home. My grandma was pretty much my favorite person on the planet, so between the run and the visit, there was nothing life could throw at me that a morning spent this way couldn't fix. My grandma passed away this summer, and I stopped running the "Grandma Route" because it made me sad. But for whatever reason, that's where my feet took me today.
As I ran past the nursing home for the first time since May, I started thinking about something that my grandmother used to tell me... something that can be applied to CrossFit, as well as to pretty much everything else in life. After a crappy day a at school or a loss at an important horse show, she would tell me: There will always be bad days. Sometimes, days are bad because of things you can control, and sometimes because of things you can't. But one thing you can always control is your reaction to those bad days.
(Grandma also taught me the healing powers of Jagermeister, so I wasn't about to question her wisdom on this one.)
I've set a lot of goals so far this year for things I want to accomplish with my body: get a pull up, master double unders, survive half marathon, etc. But maybe it is just as important to set some mental goals for myself as well. And some of those goals need to address my reaction to my sucky days. So, with a nod to the wise and wonderful Grandma Helen, I've come up with a few belated New Years resolutions:
1) Embrace the suck.
This is a phrase I've heard Tammy use, and one I've even quoted in this very blog. But I'm going to stop preaching it and start living it. No one is awesome every day. Everyone has weaknesses, and things with which they struggle. Instead of pouting about my weaknesses, I'm going to start viewing them as opportunities for improvement. And no matter how miserable I feel or how disappointed I am with myself after a WOD, I'm going to keep in mind another wise Tammy-ism: no matter how badly you think you suck, the person who's sitting on the couch because they're afraid to try, sucks way worse than you do.
2) Learn from the suck.
I plan to start paying more attention to my days of high Suck Factor, rather than just pouting about them. How did I feel going into the workout? Did I get any sleep the night before? Did I remember to eat something in the morning? Was there a particular movement or lift that was giving me trouble, or was it just general all-around suckage? By identifying factors that play into my suckfests, I have a chance to control those factors in the future and thus (hopefully) reduce the frequency of said suckage.
3) Find motivation in the suck.
The truth is, there was a time not so long ago when I sucked at everything. When I started CrossFit, I couldn't do so much as an air squat correctly. Part of the fun and excitement of this sport is learning, improving, and mastering things you never thought you could do. In September, I had a passionate hatred for front squats. I couldn't get my elbows up or my ass down, and I was pretty convinced that my wrists were never going to bend that way. Fast forward to present day: front squats are one of my very favorite lifts. I love when they are in a WOD, and I will never forget the day that they finally "clicked" for me and felt right for the first time. So what if cleans are taking me longer to figure out? That just means it will be even more satisfying when I finally get it right. Instead of letting a disappointing WOD defeat me, I need to use that disappointment as motivation to work harder, practice more, and focus on turning my weaknesses into strengths.
4) Forget the suck.
Learn from it... then get over it. I need to quit dwelling on my bad workouts and beating myself up over them. Tomorrow is a new day, a new WOD, and a new set of challenges to overcome. That's the cool thing about CrossFit: there's a new opportunity for a different kind of suck every day!
That is my rant for the day. After much debate, I've decided to skip run group tomorrow so that I can go to Primal Mayhem at the box in the morning in an effort to redeem today's WOD of suck. A little birdie (aka Facebook) has told me to dress warm and be ready to run, so I can't even imagine what kind of shenanigans the coaches have up their sleeves this week. If anyone is free Sunday morning and wants to join me for my make-up run (5.5 miles this week, I think), let me know... I would love the company. Any time between 8am and 10am works for me. Location is flexible. Fast people need not apply.
No comments:
Post a Comment